Tonight I find myself cooking fried new potatoes and onions. I'm craving the way mamma used to cook them on the wood stove in the kitchen of the old house where I spent the first 15 years of my life. Sometimes the three of us would sit around the stove, cut the potatoes into thin slices and place them on the iron top until they blistered. Then the best part. Peel them off, salt pepper and butter and pop them in our mouths. Don't eat many potatoes any more. Night shades ... bad for arthritis you know. Made rice pudding last night for the same reasons. Craving a taste of the past. Wanted my heart to stop aching. Did everything just like we used to. Didn't taste anywhere near the same. The rice is different in this country. It went into the garbage today.
I'm at a loss as to know what to do to comfort myself. I am broken. So many horrific things have happened this year. I haven't spoken to someone who has loved and cared for me all my life in such a long time. Sometime it just hits me and I think I can no longer bear the thought of being here on this earth all by myself. At sixty five, not to have a family member hug me, or an old friend to have a drink with and talk about our childhood, our memories, our antics while growing up, our history. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? There is something terribly wrong with the order of things in my life.
Papa was ninety seven when he crossed over. He was in a loving relationship for fifty seven years. Mamma passed away three years before he did. Oh, I'm not saying things were perfect. There was trouble, and lots of it in our family. But they still came. They still dropped in. The young ones still stopped for supper sometimes or a drink in the afternoon, when perhaps no one else knew they were there. He still had kin. He still had friends. He still had a hug and a touch from someone who loved him dearly every day of his life until he died. I never realized what a comfort that must have been.
On my sixty-fifth birthday took account of my life. An accounting of loved ones in my life. Everyone I cared for and whom I thought cared for me is gone. The biggest loss? My husband, best friend, lover. No old friends who I knew from childhood to talk of old times with. No family. Even the few friends whom I have a history with are in lands far away. A phone call once in awhile has to suffice. My step daughters? No. Not there either. They have their own families. I sat in my chair frozen. Unable to celebrate with any of the people I have met here. Unable to even utter the fact it was my birthday. I simply couldn't face life that day.
Sometimes I think if I don't get a hug or a touch from someone who really cares very soon, I shall surely die. I remember distinctly the last time that happened. I will hold it in my heart forever. I recall every detail and if I close my eyes I can almost be there. But then again ... I'm not there am I. How do people live without caring touch. I have no idea. It was such an important part of my life. Now nothing exists. I am now an untouchable in so many ways, for so many very weird reasons.
It's not an easy situation to face or god forbid to accept. If I had to explain it all, I really could not. I don't understand most of it myself. I know my heart aches. I know I am a lone. I have no idea how to fix it. I have no idea how to live with it. I have no idea how to create a support system at this stage of my life. Not a meaningful one anyway. Do I live superficially from this day forward? Talking about the price of tomatoes and the cost of living? Not likely. Not who I am. Dear God, how superficialness bores me. Why has this happened? Part of being an only child. Part of the deep resentment, bitterness and hatred which permeates the family who are left. The wall is so thick, no army could blast their way in. I used to think I wanted to. I used to think I would do anything to fix it. Now I realize how stupid that would be. Now I realize how very very stupid I have been most of my life. I have lived as part of a facade, as part of a lie which for so many years I thought was the truth.
Old friends? Dear friends? The facade they wore was a good one. I ignored it. They lied to survive. Couldn't talk. Wouldn't talk. Unable to face the truth. Couldn't work things out. Finally without a word, one day I was blocked from a relationship I had been part of for over sixty years. How pathetic. How pitiful. Life is too short for any of this crap as far as I'm concerned. And then, I suspect to speak of it all with other old friends. Such gall. A situation I protected. one I held so close to my heart for fear someone would know and misunderstand. Something I considered private between the two of us. Something I wouldn't share in case it might shed a less than bright light on my dear friend. I still had enough respect for that. It was so personal, so sacred, WHY? WHY! would they talk to someone else about it when that person is unable to hear 'the other side of the story'. AND to top it all off, have the other old friend believe there is only one side to this fucking story. STORY! That's exactly what it is. Made up and fertilized for such a long time it grew into some personal nightmare because they were AFRAID to TALK! What the fuck is that all about? We can negotiate with huge companies over a little bit of shitty money or the right to pee three times a day in a clean toilet, but we can't negotiate with an old and oh so dear friend to save a life long friendship? FUCK NO. Couldn't do that. That would take courage wouldn't it! It's all beyond me. Bitter? You bet! If I look at it from a personal growth point of view, from a spiritual point of view, these people have 'shown me who they truly are'. What I see is not pretty. Why would I want them in my life anyway? Good question. Simple answer. Because I LOVE THEM.
Having this knee surgery in a foreign country alone was one of the biggest tests I have ever endured. Why didn't you ask for help you might say to yourself. Well, I did. I swallowed my pride and asked for help. Did anyone come? NO. Why? No one really gives a damn. Another huge lesson for me to absorb. It will take time. Had I been asked by those same people to come to them I would have been there in a flash. I would never have said 'maybe' or 'we will talk closer to the time', or 'I need more information'. My credit card might have been a little hot, but I would have been there. That's how important it would have been to me. Going through this procedure here with no one who loves me has been a tremendous emotional blow.
So how did I get so screwed up? How did I end up totally alone at the age of sixty five when most people are surrounded by family and friends? Life style for one. I never had very deep roots. I understand some of the reasons, and some have been my own choices. I'm just not sure I can live with the consequences. I'm not sure I can stay under the circumstances. I'm not sure I want to.
To Come Forth Gradually into Being
8 years ago
7 comments:
Donna, this is Ellen from GIST. I have been thinking about you so much lately so I decided to hunt you down this evening and I found you. I'm so sorry you are going through a very rough time right now. I certainly don't have any answers for you, but I can say I've been in that kind of pain too. I know how devastating it can be. I'm hoping that actually writing it out was helpful for you. I'm here even if I am so far away. (In Arizona now, moved from Missouri). Maybe we can talk via e-mail. You can email me at ellenbeeton@yahoo.com. Again, I'm really sorry you are going through this. Maybe talking can help.
Ellen
If I could HUG YOU I WOULD SO FREELY! I'm so sorry you feel so alone and lonely. I know I could feel exactly as you do if I were to be without someone. Surely there is a group that you could join to find comfort and meet someone. You have to step out there even though it is so hard and yes we get hurt along the way, but you have to keep reaching. You're a wise woman I can just tell. Pls don't go to that dark place. You don't know me but I cried for your loneliness when I read your post. I know when you're sad and depressed it's hard to get moving.... but move. No matter where you are there are people wanting just what you want - keep searching. Search your community for something, pls. I'm hugging you.... can you feel it?
Hi Donna, just popped over to this other blog of yours (how you manage to run two blogs amazes me :).
No.1. I am right now this minute giving one great big huge HUG. I read the whole story, like listening to a friend pour her heart out. After I thought about you and thought Donna, you have forgotten about the most sacred, honest, lover, friend you have had all your life...YOU MY DEAR...YOU! I know I don't know you personally but I am 66years old, been through a bit but one thing I have always known, I am my very best friend. I argue with myself, laugh with myself and laugh at myself. I am a touchy feely person and find all kinds of people to give a hug to. I am lucky I do have family and grandchildren and I am a part of their lives but ultimately I am me, myself and I.
I wish I could say, put the kettle on Donna, I will be over.
You are creative, funny, brave, interesting, capable sensitive and I am sure many other things; I have just found those things out by reading your blog.
Go look in the mirror and you will see the person I just describe to you and she will smile back and tell you, you have a friend.
From your friend Rosemary aka randomrose
Hi Donna. My name is Gloria and I'm your new friend and will stop by from time to time to read your posts and to let you know that we are all here for you. I am so sorry of the hard times you are having but all I can say is to live for yourself. Be happy with yourself, take care of yourself and most importantly, pray to God. ::hugs to you::
Dear lovely Donna,
I have just read this post. My heart goes out to you. I have been in this position at times in my life. You are brave to describe it on paper. You are brave to face it, and sit with it, and accept that it is as it is.
It's not your fault you are an only child. I wish that it were not so, but it is.
You are just about the bravest woman I've met out there. Your creative blog shines and sparkles. Your generosity and compassion flood across the ether.
Maybe we could Skype some time? I'd love that.
In the meantime, here is a lovely saying about Christmas, which says it all for me.
Santa Claus is anyone who loves another and seeks to make them happy; who gives himself by thought or word or deed in every gift
that he bestows; who shares his joys with those who are sad; whose hand is never closed against the needy; whose arm is ever outstretched to aid the weak; whose sympathy is quick and genuine in time of trouble; who recognizes a comrade and brother in every man he meets upon life's common road; who lives his life throughout the entire year in the Christmas spirit
~~EDWIN OSGOOD GROVER, Vicki Howard's The Book of Santa Claus
That just about describes your blog.
Much love,
Sue
Donna - Just slipped over to this blog post from your other side and feel the need to respond. We have not ever met in person - not have we been blog friends for a long time but when I posted writingmycourage you were the only one who ever responded, not my friends or mom or dad or brother. Nobody else. I was going through a horrible time in my life that caused more emotional pain than I have ever had to endure and you were the only one who reached out. I cannot express how much that meant to me and in a way made you someone special to me FOREVER. I appreciate your words to me that day every time you post and I get an update in an email. For this reason I know kind words can have an effect across time and place and so I send them to you. I recognize your goodness and love for the world and people. You are appreciated and listened to and cared about.
Dear dear Donna. I've never been to your blog before but I'm so glad I did today. I notice your posts to Val at Bastelmania and for reasons I know not I clicked on your name as you always seem so together and a warm hearted person when I read your comments. I didn't even click on your arty blog which is what I was looking for and I read your top post here, first. Why I carried on and read your next post was sheer curiosity. Donna I don't know why you find yourself in your situation, but I know just from reading your comments you are a kind, thoughtful warm hearted person. Life can be so cruel can't it! We all choose a path from the cards that are dealt to us by destiny and sometimes we may divert and find ourselves lost. I do hope life is getting a little more bearable for you. I'm the second of 4 children and always thought how wonderful to be an only one. I'm now 68 and feel so lonely sometimes, even though I still have my Mum, age 91, 2 siblings, a husband, 2 children and 3 grandchildren. I also have friends close by, sometimes though, if I wander far from the path of superficial life, you know, "Hello how are, fine, good." I am alone too, coping with problems too deep to even talk about to anyone! Please don't despair or give up as these feelings are liveable with. I can't give you a hug but I hope my feelings are transmitting themselves to you. I shall become a follower of your blog now and will try and offer a listening ear whenever it's needed.
Post a Comment