The Crown fits so I wear it.

My other blog is here.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

* Time

Hope?
Where did it go?
Time?
Suddenly she was 60 something
Suddenly her body writhed in pain
Suddenly she saw before her
all her lost potential
all her talent
her voice
her music
the longing
deep in her soul
to create art
to dance
to act in
live theatre
to dig into history
to perhaps find another King Tuts tomb.
All quashed
all stepped on
all given up
to please
to be perfect
to make her parents
happy and proud
Now they
are gone
and she sits in
her small room
in the candle light pondering her life.

June 2009 Journal

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

* She grieved

She grieved
not for a death
but for a life
not used
not lived
not realized.
She grieved
her own potential
lost
to years
of neglect
and of
pleasing others.
She felt old
She felt the pain
of her body -
of her heart.
She wept.

June 2009

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

* Alone without you

November 1997

Sitting in a restaurant
alone
without you
is new.
Today looking out
the window
people passing
time moving by
Christmas coming ...
It doesn't feel so bad.
I only feel
a little empty and
somewhat in pain.
Mostly I feel full
and satisfied.
Deep down
I acknowledge
I shall surely die.
Don't tell anyone.
They think I'm fine.

Monday, December 28, 2009

* Until I was alone ...

Dec. 15, 2008

Until I was alone I never knew
how much I loved cooking a
meal for someone.

Until I was alone I never knew
how much I loved sharing
food and a glass of wine with someone.

Until I was alone I never knew
how much I loved
being touched,
having my hand safe
inside another,
having my back scrubbed in the tub
after a hard days work.

Until I was alone I never knew
how much I loved someone
sitting next to me on the airplane,
or picking me up at the airport
after a long flight,
dragging my luggage off the
roundabout and protecting me
from the crowds.

Until I was alone I never knew
how much I loved someone saying
"I'll get it" when the phone rang,
"Let's not get it" when someone knocked at the door,
or "Everything's going to be OK",
and in that moment
I knew I was safe.

Until I was alone I never knew
how much I loved hearing
I love you,
how much I loved being called
My sweetheart
and how much I miss
speaking the word darling.

Until I was alone I never knew
how much I loved
talking
with no inhibitions,
laughing
with no inhibitions
crying
with no inhibitions.

Until I was alone I never knew
how much love there was
inside of me which I don't know
what to do with ..
Until I was alone.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

* Dear Divine Mother



journal entry: January 30, 2008

Dear Divine Mother,

As I sit at my writing table overlooking your beautiful oak and pine trees I realize everything has a time.  The trees are perfect just the way they are, waiting in the cold, soaking up the winter rains preparing for the sun and dryer times of summer.  What about me Divine Mother??  What now??  I feel so LOST and ALONE.  I don't seem to be making much headway!  Oh, I know I don't write to you when I'm feeling balanced, however in those times I am so grateful and I do thank You verbally.

In my times of 'lostness' I look within and find the cupboard bare, the castle of my soul empty, my diviness far and away - who knows where.  Sometimes I think I cannot carry on like this alone.  I also know that this 'aloneness' is a life lesson for me.  Everyone has gone - you have completely cleared the decks.  You began when I was young - taking My Wayne and My Granny.  My friends are scattered here, there and everywhere (my choice of lifestyle).  Then Mama and Papa - how I miss them.  Then to top it all off, my family -- oh deep deep down I knew C and B never 'wanted' me - or 'loved' me.  I was sort of a nuisance to be tolerated.  A spoiled child (in their opinion) to be indulged.  I came with the farm - and if they wanted the farm - I was part of "the darker side".

After Wayne died I tried really really hard to get B to love me.  I missed Wayne so much.  All I wanted was some hugs and some snuggles.  B couldn't bear it and really the memories I have of him are those of "yelling at me".   I was terrified one stormy night and I thought if I could pester him enough when the windows were shaking and rattling in the wind - he would allow me to  crawl into his bed where I would feel safe.  All I heard were his stern very loud warnings of "stay on your own side of the bed"... which terrified me.  He slept naked.  He was afraid of a four year old.  Then his own children were born, all six of them - and oh how I loved each and every one.  Now they are gone.  The dearest and closest relatives I have ever known.  They loved me in return - just because I was me ..  no strings attached. They are no longer a part of my life.  Even my "Dearest Little Sweetheart" is gone.  I'd give anything for M to walk through the door with that wonderful grin on his face ... even if he did arrive at dinner time.  It was always my pleasure to cook for him.

My soul longs to see them again.  I hope I will in this lifetime.  Sometimes however, I do understand there is a 'window of time' for things.  There comes a certain time when you simple can't go back - the window of opportunity is closed.  Perhaps this is what has happened here.  Acceptance, acceptance.  Please, Divine Mother, allow me to accept with grace.  Take my pain ... here it is yours!  I can no longer bare it.

I seem to be loosing LB because of my spiritual quest - the search for my soul and my authenticity. We're just not able to relate.  And then, there is my best friend, the one I have loved more than anyone on the entire planet - H.  I know that he too is gone because I needed to grow - but OH DIVINE MOTHER - how I miss his light!  Let me make it clear - I don't miss his shadow side - his lying, cheating and lack of integrity side which seemed to show itself at the end of our marriage  The side he can't face and thus blames everyone else ... but oh My Dearest Divine Mother - how I pine for our deep, warm conversations, our love, our laughter, his touch, and physical love we shared. Simply to see his face made me happy and lit up my heart.  Funny, how you can meet one person in this lifetime and they can have such an everlasting affect.  I am forever changed by him - for better and for worse.  Yes, I do understand it is meant to be.  There are no accidents.  You have taught me well.  Now, teach me to accept and surrender!

So now I am moving to Victoria - like a small child put out on the street at night - no direction - no plans, no money, and some days, no hope.

I pray I will find you, God, Goddess, All That Is.  I pray I will find you within me - my own divine self - for I do UNDERSTAND we are ALL ONE.

I beg you for guidance - I pray you will show me the way upon this planet.  The purpose for my being.

I leave this house, thankful for its blessings of healing and peace.  I know I am moving forward with you as part of me - my tour guide to creating a new, rich, fulfilling life.

And so, Almighty Creator - I give you with great humbleness, my weaknesses and my strengths - I pray you will heal me and allow me to accept healing.  I am on the path, Mother ... show me who I am, help me recognize and honour my own creative voice.  I need to know my purpose on this beautiful earth.  I simply cannot be here for no reason.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

* My Brown Eyed Girl



Journal Entry:  October 13, 2001

Beautiful, Beautiful Brown Eyes.

Mirror of the soul??
... Only if you take the time to look!

My Brown Eyed Girl!

Eyes so wide
My Brown Eyes Girl
Eyes not dry
Still weeping deep
beyond the sparkle
after all these years.

No one else will ever know ..
Only I
If .. that is
I ever saw you again!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Have a Wonderful Christmas Day

Dear Divine Mother,

We give thanks for places of simplicity and peace.  Let us find such a place within ourselves.  We give thanks for places of refuge and beauty.  Let us find such a place within ourselves.  We give thanks for places of nature's truth and freedom, of joy, inspiration and renewal, places where all creatures may find acceptance and belonging.  Let us search for these places: in the world, in ourselves and in others.  Let us restore them.  Let us strengthen and protect them and let us create them.

May we mend this outer world according to the truth of our inner life and may our souls be shaped and nourished by nature's eternal wisdom.  Amen. From the book "When I talk to You" ~ Michael Leunig

When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time.  Are we grateful to Divine Mother for filling our stockings with legs?  ~ G.K. Chesterton


Thursday, December 24, 2009

* Christmas Season 2001

Journal entry Christmas 2001


It is our first Christmas without Mama!  Oh how we miss her.  As I decorate the house for Papa and me - I try to put some of Mama's favorite things out - to honour her and to remind us she is still with us in spirit.  She adored her Royal Doulton "White Lady" - the one she carried home from England on her knee - gently guarding her fragile treasure. We used that piece on the alter to represent her spirit.  I put out Mama's and Papa's favorite ornaments - the ones their grandchildren had made for them through the years.  Then there is the china Santa/sleigh and two reindeer.  I remember Mama laughing one year as she set it out on the table - telling me how much she loved it.  I will always treasure that piece because when I look at it, I will remember Mama's laugh.  Papa and I light candles each night.  On the alter with the 'White Lady"are two smaller candles with a very tall candle in the middle.  The two smaller candles represent Papa and I, while the tall candle represents and honours Mama's life here on earth and her Spirit beyond the veil.  We light our candles and then together light Mama's with our flames.  Then we say a prayer.  It is quite comforting for both of us.  We cry a lot, but it also feels good to grieve.  The rest of Christmas was OK.  It seems odd to be home with all the family after so many years away.  We are not close anymore - however I still love them all.  It is all so bitter sweet, I spend most of the time with a lump in my throat.  Change comes over time and there's nothing we can do but accept with grace.

During the week between Christmas and New Year, Papa took a bad turn at the dinner table and completely passed out.  I was unable to revive him.  I called 911 and we went to the hospital in the ambulance.  He nearly crossed over twice - no blood pressure -  but he stabalized.  They kept him in the hospital all night and I brought him home the next day.  I cannot imagine loosing Papa too - I will feel very much like an orphan.  I must prepare myself!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

* The look of depression

It was a collage, a mess, a pig sty, a horrible clutter, a disaster - a state of emergency!  Yes indeed, it was more a state of emergency ... that was it.  In fact, had her domain been a country, the head of state would no doubt have sent in the troops to help regain order and do clean up before more were killed.

Well - no one had actually died as yet - unless of course you count the fruit flies breeding in the locked down blender. They had, in the most concerted effort not to remove them from the upstairs bathroom to the downstairs dishwasher, been sprayed with raid.  In fact there had been lives lost.  Those who had survived the spraying incident continued to breed and multiply happily, feeding on the now well aged, moldy, stinking, fruit protein smoothie.

It wasn't as though she hadn't had an opportunity to move the atrocity downstairs to the dishwasher.  Since she had stuffed the small holes in the blender top with toilet paper it had become more of a novelity - an experiment really.  She could sit on the loo and watch them - wondering how they could still be alive and well - bringing new life into their micro climate - seemingly enjoying themselves.  Yes, it had become a fascination.  She wondered why they did not want to kill themselves living in that mess. 

Her bedroom had become an obstacle course.  She considered taking extra liability insurance lest she fall and have to sue herself.

Dishes, papers, mail, books, shopping, cloths, bags, notebooks, art materials, frames, CD's, videos, and large sketches had accumulated to dangerous heights and widths.  One morning she suddenly discovered herself stepping sideways through a small path to walk to the other end of the room and make her morning coffee.

Before the morning she had to turn her body sideways to navigate the terrain - she had been oblivious to the growing nature of the problem.  That morning, she acknowledged the state of affairs, made her coffee and immediately went back to her bed,  carrying another spiritual book to enjoy with her morning cup.

Downstairs in the kitchen growth and expansion was also occuring.  The cupboards were completely empty, every dish dirty and scattered over the sink, counters and tables.  The overflow spilled into her bedroom upstairs.

The smell of mold began to permeate the air.  She noticed it becoming stronger every day and upon investigation discovered a bowl in the sink with dregs of spaghetti sauce in it.  An interesting blue powdery film covered the entire bowl.  She bent over it and sniffed closely.  Yes, that was the offending bowl.  She brushed away the smell with her hand, turned on her heel, positioned her head in the air and glided upstairs to her bed and her book.

The bed was pristine.  Spotless, dressed all in white, with stacks of beautiful down pillows, a light, warm luxurious puff and 600 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.  She climbed in, sank back on her pillow stack, pulled the down over her body and thanked the universe for her abundance of magnificent bedding and the comfort of it all.  She picked up her book and read for another day.

The weeks slipped by.  The longer she lingered in bed the more unable she was to move.  The phone remained unanswered, the door tightly shut and the outside gate locked.  The occasional knock on the front door went unheeded.  She was stuck.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

* April 14, 1997

Journal entry:

It wasn't until he called tonight that I realized how 'homesick' I am.  "Home" in this case being defined as where the heart is - and my heart of course being with him.  I realized another thing.  I have been so busy cleaning, getting organized, putting things in order, digging and planting ...  I thought I was doing all this for 'me' - for a need deep inside - just for the deep inner creative need I own.  Tonight when he called I realized I was doing it for 'us'.  Making a home - making a beautiful, peaceful, special place where he can come home to after all that stress.

Monday, December 21, 2009

* Artists Notes

June 2009, Hornby Island, BC, Free Expression Painting Workshop with Carolyn James. http://www.carolinejames.com/

What an afternoon in the hot sun.  Glad I brought my sunglasses and hat.  Three hours has flown by and I must say I have gotten into the zone, the creative flow, my creative core, the place with no address - when you come back you have no idea where you've been.  I've been lost in pure colour, fascinated by shapes, dabbing and smearing everywhere - then changing places and dabbing and smearing some more.  I am tired and oh so comfortable.  The bit of a knot I had in my stomach is gone and I feel content, complete.  I am relaxed once again.  I wonder if there is an artist inside me??  Oh - I do KNOW she's there - but who is she - what's she like - what does she want to do - what is her language - her voice - what colours does she love?????  Today it was pink - and you know me -- I'm not a pink girl!  I was surprised.  I wonder what the other women are thinking - what they are finding out about themselves - what are we all learning??  We are all here together for a Universal meeting - everyone in the right place at the right time - another Divine appointment.  I don't feel lonely today.  I've been with my muse.  It's such a happy place.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Friday, December 11, 1992

It snowed all night
And when the dawn came
Their branches were bowed
Under the heavy weight
Of their beautiful white burden.





                                            They didn't mind
                                            They felt proud to carry
                                            Such a weight
                                            Which had been sent to them
                                            From Heaven.

Friday, December 18, 2009

* Only for the moment

I'm living in the 'NOW" - only for the moment - for the 'blip of bliss' I am experiencing!  I simply don't care about tomorrow - the day after tomorrow - Saturday - the moment which will inevitably follow this one!  NO!  It's all about NOW, this very second - holding, nurturing, caring for, burning into my heart and mind every emotion, every feeling of anticipation, joy, wonderment, glee, pure excitement.  Every warm, wild and wonderful thought I am having.  Every shiver I feel simply looking forward to seeing his face.  Every thought of opening the door and seeing him standing there, a little hesitant, a lot excited. Talking, ahhhhhh, anticipating the conversation.  The ease with which we communicate.  Such a pure and sweet gift. Such a rare gift.  I shall enjoy every sentence, every word.  I shall listen with intent, and speak with meaning and truth.  We shall laugh and smile.  I'm enjoying getting ready.  Putting my make up on, taking my time. Which earrings should I wear?  The gold bracelet he gave me looks nice.  Dressing with mindfulness.  Pull that little wisp of hair - just there ... yes, that's better. Suddenly .... early ... the door bell rings.  It startles me. He's here. .... gotta run .....

Thursday, December 17, 2009

November 2, 1997

Journal entry:

Dear H,

You treated me so well, so lovingly, do kindly and with great respect.  Always there to hear what I had to say - always interested.  Funny - you are the one who opened me up - from the bathroom door to the smallest thought on my mind - you opened every petal, every leaf, every secret nook and cranny I had ever hidden a thought in.  I thank you for that.  Remember when you used to sit and talk to me while I was on the toilet or in the bath?  You left toothpaste on my brush and put my deodorant on while your arms were around me. You brought me morning coffee in bed, and we would lie there sipping and chatting, and reading, and making love.  You kissed me and called me 'my special person' and 'my sweetie'.  Never a day went by without an 'I love you' and there was usually more than one.  For 18 years I fell asleep in your arms at night.  Funny, now you're the one who has shut down and shut me out.  You can't tell me you have fallen out of love with me and quietly walk away.  You want to feel misery and pain - well - you go ahead - feel all the misery, pain and torment you you need to - it's your choice.  Just leave me out of it.  I want to remember the good not the bad and the ugly.  Please feel free to go.  Please explain before you go, and then you are free to leave quietly.  Is it too much to ask, after all those years?  Is it too much to ask for one last talk, one last discussion, one last explanation.  Do you not owe me that much?  I want to thank you for all your love.  I understand you shared parts of yourself with me you have never shared with anyone else.  I understand how special what we shared was.  Don't make me hate you at this time in our lives ... please.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

November 1, 1997

Journal entry:

Dear H,

This has been a turbulent time.  Turbulence I wasn't expecting.   Did you realize you had so much power?  You will never know how much I love you unless you think back to when you last loved me that much.  I hope you will someday.  I'll always cherish the love we had and bitter sweet memories I carry with me.  I hope in time they will become only sweet memories for me.

Loosing you is painful. I see you slipping away, slowly, slowly.  So frustrating ... nothing I do is right.  It seems such a slow, agonizing, tortuous, middle ages sort of procedure to endure.  A clean, honest break would be so much easier.  You told me once men are not very nice when they break up with a woman.  They get vicious and vindictive during breakups.  Why?  I don't understand that either.  It's a part of you I have not seen even a glimpse of in all the years I have known you.

The pain is like someone very slowly clawing through my chest cavity and stomach.  There is no knife involved, only nails and bare hands and brute force.  Instead of killing me instantly by ripping my insides out - its a slow, and deliberately planned chain of events, beginning with my entrails, tugging and pinching at them slowly and surely, forcing me into a locked position by the wrenching and constant pain you are causing me while you empty my guts before our very eyes.  All the time I continue to love you because I have trusted you completely for more than 18 years and I know in my heart that down deep you still love me.  At any moment, I am absolutely convinced you will realize how much you are hurting me, and at that moment you will of course enfold me in you arms and rush me to the hospital for emergency surgery.  But it never happens.  You simply keep on pulling, tugging, clawing and ripping while I drip droplets of blood and slowly bleed to death.  I'm dieing in front of you H, and somehow you are so shut down you don't even know.  I honestly never knew this kind of emotional pain was possible.  I remember when we first fell in love -- all that magic!!  I didn't know that existed either.  I remember attempting to write about it, to put my feelings on paper, but there were no words in the English language for that much love.  Now there doesn't seem to be enough words for this much pain.  Will you ever, ever understand, H?  Will you?  Ever?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

May 28, 1998

Journal entry:

I did so long to grow old with you H.  To feel that 'comfortable' kind of love people feel after so many years together.  To simply appreciate and find complete contentment in each others companionship and friendship - having seen every line on your face develop - observing every new gray hair and yet not noticing you had a gray hair or wrinkles at all.  Knowing how your hand felt in mine for 40 years - knowing every part of your body by touch.  All the nooks and crannies.  All the special places that no one elses hands ever wandered to.  Knowing that even if my eyesight went completely, I could see every bit of you in my minds eye - just from all the wonderful years together I would always remember how beautiful your body was.

Playing with our grandchildren.  Seeing a brand new world through a pair of brand new eyes.  Part of you in those little eyes.  Traveling and playing together in Mexico and perhaps in new places we might discover together.  Your interests, my interests.  Together and apart.   We used to talk about "Sittin and a rockin' and a rockin' and a sittin'"  Just 'being' each and every day ... together ... for the better and for the worse.  Isn't that how it was supposed to be???

I had Maggie put down today H.  She's been very ill and I could not allow her to suffer another day.   Maggie's been a wonderful friend to me and I miss her little footsteps around the house tonight.  She was your Christmas gift to me, although I know she was really your dog.   So much has changed in my life this past year it's difficult to imagine, let alone accept.  I still feel stunned and raw.

I hope you are happy tonight.  

Monday, December 14, 2009

* Excerpt from morning pages ...

Thursday, January 15, 1993

When you go to sleep
Do you ever count sheep?
When they fly in the air
Do you notice their hair?
Do you really dare
To believe they're there?

Do they remind you of friends
With big rear ends?
Do some play guitars
And smoke big cigars?
Do the bossy ones jump
With authority?
Do the wimps jump by saying
"Don't look at me."?

Do you ever think
That you're on the brink
Of losing your mind
But then you find
That it's other people
Who jump from the steeple
And your as sane as a flea
With a violin on his knee.

DPS&A

Sunday, December 13, 2009

* If only

If only I could take your hand in mine
and make it smooth
Touch your face and make it young
Take your mind and make your thinking
sharp and clear
Turn back the hands of time and
make your voice young and gay
and see again
the sparkle in your eyes
But my magic wand won't work
and you are getting old
and I am loosing you.
It frightens me and makes me sad
For I see the tears
in other daughters' eyes
and I know one day
that I will cry.
I wish I was God -
But not even God can stop the years
He can only give me strength
when the years are past
and I no longer have you here to love.

London, England
Taking care of "Granny"
1968

Saturday, December 12, 2009

* The Message

Wait not for the world to turn, or stardust to fall upon you from the heavens and magically transform your life into that of which you dream.  Search the depths of your soul.  You will find your unique authenticity.  Allow denial and lies to fall away.  Accept and love yourself in the here, in the now.  Speak your truth without hesitation.  All knowledge required to live your dream arrived with you at your time of birth.  Turn to your inner knowing.  Listen to it.  Trust it. You are indeed a child of the Universe.  You are a divine being.  Claim your power and become all you were meant to be.  You have everything you need.  You are never alone. You are loved.

Friday, December 11, 2009

* Only child

A deep sadness
overtook her
and she wept.
She wept for
herself
For her
loneliness
For her
aloneness.
She wept for her Mama
and then
for her Papa.
She missed them terribly
for she had
been an
only child.
A lonely child.
She felt sorry
for herself
She wept some more.
Many pieces of her heart
had been lost on the journey.
She felt to gather herself
together again
would be impossible.

Jan./2005

Thursday, December 10, 2009

* Sniffing the soil

I search new ground
sniffing the soil
checking the air
My senses on high alert
asking the Earth Mother
where do I step next?
Show me Mother
guide me
hold me
love me
I am homeless.
My tribe has left
and an empty pit has
settled into my stomach.


Has my tribe
moved on without me
Or is it I who
have moved forward?
I question now ..
were they ever my tribe?
was I so blind and gullible
not to know?
no matter.
I still find myself
in very new territory
alone.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

* What happened?

What happened?
Where did you all go?
Was it you ..
was it me?
What the hell happened?
My world changed
in a blink -
all of you at once
like a well orchestrated
flock of geese
migrating south.
You left me
standing all alone in the stubble
my heart spilling its blood
onto the soil
our soil
Parker soil.
I watched the sky -
looking up
until it was clear blue
and empty.
What now?
Who am I now?
I thought I had dealt with this!
I thought I was prepared!!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

* Martini's with the Queen






On my way home I shall stop at the palace for martinis with the Elizabeth.  She always lifts my spirits!  (The Queen Mom that is!) Lizzie II is not as much fun.

Monday, December 7, 2009

* Distorted view





Allow the gates to fall back wide!!  Your view is distorted!!  Do you realize the rising sun is not striped??

Sunday, December 6, 2009

* Suddenly, you were here ...

You came last night.  Suddenly, you were here - we were talking and laughing and sipping the grape.  You told me how you felt when you left - how you bolted - how you ran away - how you couldn't deal with leaving me in a humane way.  You said you were sorry - sorry you couldn't - sorry you wouldn't - sorry you shouldn't - sorry for all the omissions, for not being able to talk, to explain, to buffer the blow.  Sorry for the mixed messages, how confused you yourself were, you were sorry, you were sorry. We talked, we wept.  I told you of my pain.  The pain caused from not being able to talk, not being able to communicate.  The pain it caused me because you couldn't, wouldn't listen and hear me.  Not being heard by you was so foreign to me. Talking with you, so openly, so honestly .... so healing.

We moved on to other happier topics.  Your house, my house, your partner, our girls, your girls, jobs, travels, memories of the good times, the loved relatives, the not so loved relatives.  All good stuff! Talking like we had never been apart.  Talking like we had always been able to talk - easily, comfortably, and deeply.  We were warm and content, intoxicated with the nostalgia of happy memories.  The wine, the candle light, the comfort of each others company, the comfort of two old souls touching.

I shared my 'delightful delovely' balcony with you.  My haven, my little piece of me in this big old house that is not in chaos.  We enjoyed the space together - sipping and pouring and laughing and crying.  Years of togetherness all in one moment.

I welcomed you to me bed.  My beautiful snowy white, clean, puffy, warm, cozy, virginal bed.  You welcomed me to your arms, your hands, your skin, your face, your mouth; your beautiful full familiar mouth, open and wet and welcoming.  Your tongue, my tongue, licking, probing, giving, taking, consuming, craving, wanting, having, enjoying, relishing - loosing ourselves in each other bodies and minds and souls.  So familiar, so comfortable - every nook and cranny a memory, an old memory, a new memory.  The mole on your face, the dimple still there at the base of your spine - the scar on your leg.  All of you - with me - with you - together.  Loosing my tongue in the hair on your chest, the soft part of your belly - so velvet and smooth.  Your legs and thighs still strong, your cheeks still soft in my hands.  Your hands, your arms, your mouth, all in the right places, the familiar paces, the well known, new again places.  Our bodies and souls tangled - loosing their own separate form and becoming one new form.  Beautiful, sacred, holy, comforting, comfortable.  Blissfully falling into the gentle blackness of sleep - in your arms - the familiarity of nineteen years - the newness of one night.  Relaxing into your  body, curled together - you into mine - I into yours.  Gently falling - falling into the sweetness of the night, the gentleness of sleep.

Dawn - stirring - seeing your body next to me -- our bodies touching - coming slowly awake.  Coffee in bed - 2 cups each - chatting, enjoying, familiar, new, old, comfort.

Strolling though the house.  You advised me on 'manly things', the fix it jobs you would have done in the old days.

The restaurant, breakfast, chatting, laughing, comfortable, old friends, old souls.

A nostalgic drive, our old haunts.  Maple Bay, our little float home - silence in the car - both of us remembering.

Back to the house.  Hugs in the car.  Good wishes, take care - the old familiar smile and wave.

Then, suddenly you are gone.  The lump in my throat is huge.  I willed myself to move forward and open the gate.  The old familiarity of aloneness, the newness of being without you.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

* I prayed last night ...

I prayed last night - on my knees kind of praying - hands clasped tightly toward the heavens.  I sobbed and shuddered and choked and prayed.  I prayed for grace - for the grace of the Divine Mother to be with me.  For the Divine to grant me grace to get through this night.  I prayed for forgiveness, for healing.  I prayed for help to let go of this and move on quickly.  My body finally wept itself into exhaustion and I crumpled, huddled on the floor - knowing help was at hand.  I had felt some of the heavyness lift.  I had prayed for everyone in the universe to assist me in what ever way possible.  The angles, the Archangles, my guardian angles, my guides, any entities who could assist me for my higher good, my higher consciousness - those who could help make my connection with the divine stronger.  I prayed for help to be aware of my own divineness, my own strength.  I prayed to realize every part of me is part of the divine.  I prayed to love myself again - to fall in love with my own unique self.  I pray for this again today - and so it is - it is done.



You returned my call last night.  I bravely told you my decision - not a whispering lump in my throat, but with a strong and steady voice.  "I can't do this."  I heard my own voice ring into the telephone.  "It's simply not in my best interests.  In some way I know it will impede my growth - and I don't want to make a step backward.  What both of us are experiencing are 'blips of bliss' - small portions of time which are perfect in every way.  We see only the best of the best in each other and none of the everyday happenings of life - none of the mundane, the ordinary, or the flaws of our shadows.  We are in fact fulfilling each others dreams for a suspended isolated moment in time -- as I said, a pure, exquisite 'blip of bliss'.  I miss our friendship terribly, I miss our incredible ability to talk at a depth I have never had with anyone else.  I miss that part of us which in some mysterious way understands every part of the other and none of the other.  I don't want to lose that - to lose contact with you completely - helplessly watching each other spin away - lost to oblivion.  On the other hand, I believe that's the way it has to be.  I'm the only one I have to look out for me - and in this case I have to be there for myself.

You were shut down.  Each time I paused, your response was "OK".

I began again.  "I respect you for being able to talk about our breakup - even if it is 10 years later.  We have agreed it has been healing for both of us.  You responded, "Yes, maybe we've done what we've had to do and maybe it's time to move on."

"Thank you for allowing me to have closure, H.  You were the love of my life and I wish you all the blessings in the world."  .... a pause .... "You too, Doni."  Your voice was wavy and soft.  "Good bye darling", I said and hung up the phone.  The clang was loud and it echoed in me like the closing of a door in an ancient empty cathedral.  I feel raw, stunned ... like the huge door has shaken my soul.


Today I sit in the warm sun in my courtyard.  The water softly falling from my fountain is soothing and the healing tones from the wind chimes lull and calm my soul.  I sit and polish silver - mindfully and mindlessly.  Old family silver with old family history.  I rub and polish the tarnish away. Slowly, easily, the beauty of the silver emerging as I go.  It suddenly dawns on me I am polishing and healing parts of myself.  Parts of me are emerging and beginning to shine again.  I feel blessed.



Dearest H,
One day, years from now, when I peer into the mirror and an old old woman looks into my eyes - will I regret cutting short our 'blips of bliss'.  Will I regret not living in the now -  enjoying the moment - the best of each other.  Will I regret those lost soulful conversations, those deep conversations I don't seem to find with anyone else. Will there be huge holes in my soul which could have been filled with your company, if only now and then?  Will I regret not laying with you again?  Perhaps I will never be with a man again.  Do I want to be with anyone other than you?  Why would I?  Do I want to be alone?  I have a lump in my throat! ... yet again ...

Friday, December 4, 2009

* Kings and Czars


I don't want to walk this way!  How dare you tell me what to do - a way to move - a way to be - you have your gall!  Time is running out you say???  Who are you to judge.  Let it BE!! Allow me to explore, to reach out, to stretch and claw!  The world is not made up of Czars and Kings - only boys who are still learning who they are.  I am the lamb - the crocus blooming through the snow --- against all odds I will stand alone and BE!!  I will find the inner strength and the hidden places of my soul -- I will express my talent to BE ME!!  Art will come in abundance when I allow those deep receptacles to be exposed.  Do not bind my feet - they must be free to walk their own path - to find their own way!!!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

* The Black and The Free


Saddle, cinch and bridle the black and the free??!!  I despise the notion.  Bare back and by mane we will make our way through the muck, mier and underbrush -- out onto the moors where it is clear passage and he may have his gate.  Until then, he will respect I am aboard and know that together we will find our next step! .... but to saddle, cinch and bridle the black and free .... to control and manipulate and hold back with tight reign --- the Spirit will surely be broken and scarred!  And our friendship would never be honoured!



Wednesday, December 2, 2009

* Puerto Vallarta 1987


We are usually sitting on our little balcony overlooking the street when our maid comes.  She is small with vivid features - dark eyes and hair - always with make-up and lipstick in place.  She is friendly in that easy laid back Mexican way.  There is always a gleaming smile and Buenos Dias when she reaches the top of our stair and sees us sitting there.  Each day we practice our Spanish with her.  Although our Espanole is very 'poco' we now understand she has one child, a six year old boy with whom she will spend her day off - 'manana'.

The street below our balcony is made of cobblestone as are all the small narrow streets in centro.  At rush hour multitudes of buses rumble and clang down the cobblestones, stopping under our balcony belching up their fumes from antiquated exhaust systems.  The garbage trucks, the bottled water carriers, cement trucks, trucks carrying building bricks and half-tons with the back full of workers, all pass by.  Then there are the turistas in their jeeps and their rented VW convertables - driving, gawking and hanging on at the same time.

People watching on the street is interesting too.  Directly across from us on the corner is a small portable street food cart.  The smells which emanate from its' direction are tantalizing, however, we are afraid our bodies might object, so we dare not try it.  Down the street, two doors on the other side is a liquor store.  The young male clerk spends most of his time gazing longingly at our daughter as we sit on our balcony.  On the other corner a Mexican sells coconuts all day.  He chops off the outside shell, sticks a straw in it and hands it to his customer who drinks the milk.  It's obviously refreshing and he does a swift business.  Sometimes I see him chop the coconut in half, neatly stripping out the meat all in one piece - handing it over in the half shell.

Everyday, the man and his burrows go by.  He spends time filling up the bags on their backs with sand and walks them to building sites where the sand is needed for construction.  There are 4 burrows.  The first three carry only the bags - one on each side.  The last little burro carries the sand, and also the masters shovel.

Each night groups of horses and their masters clip clop up our street on their way home from a day at the beach carrying tourists on their backs.  The masters stops at the coconut seller for a fresh drink and picks up a bag of feed for his horses.

I try and imagine what it must have been like -- just the ocean, the jungle, magnificently coloured birds, my little iguanas (well, some of them are huge!) and the small fishing village that was PV before the 50's.  Before the invasion of John Huston and his "Night of the Iguana".  Above the roar of traffic I can still hear the call of exotic birds, also trying to recollect a forgotten past.

Saturday night on the Malecon.  Everyone comes to parade, to see and be seen, to share, to gossip and to enjoy a cob of corn.  Old and young, families and couples - mostly though the teenagers - the future of Mexico.  It makes me wonder what the future generation holds for this country.  No longer the old ways - the old customs - the traditional dress.  Very Americanized with American ideas of money and success, dressed in their black leather jackets and mini skirts - able to live a higher standard of living than their fishing fathers ever dreamed of.  The touristos, the Americanos, the Canadians, the Europeans - all here to spend their money and push Mexico into an unknown future.  No doubt a future which will include "progress" the "American way".

Since our last visit to PV two years ago, we have seen shovels and wheel barrows turn into huge cement mixer trucks bearing the name "Guadaladorn Concrete".  Oversized loads of bricks and building materials lumber along the streets on their way to finish new and better hotels, condos, and gorgeous homes along the gold coast which houses the wealthy foreigners, now retired to the 'good life'.

The narrow streets of centro now boast ritzy designer shops and galleries of expensive art, expensive sculpture, and expensive jewelery.  You can see the old being chiseled away as the mega tour buses, motor homes and cadillacs roll down the cobblestone streets.  There is still the shoe makers shop on the corner though.  Leather shoes and sandals made to order.  Give him four days and you can take them home.  The washing still hangs picturesquely on small balconies and roof tops.  Underneath, the teenagers walk to the beat of their sony walkmans.  ... and so it goes.

H is reading his book "Smiley's People" stretched out in his chair, feet resting on the wrought iron railing.  He looks very handsome and relaxed except for the occasional nibbling assault to one of his finger nails.  It's nice to see him looking so peaceful.  He needed this holiday very much.  Since we arrived I've heard perhaps two sentences involving computers and absolutely nothing about his work -- a good sign!

The beach was wonderful today, as it is everyday.  Somehow the sky seems higher here.  H laughs at me when I say that - but it's true.  I think it has something to do with the colour.  That clear sparkling turquoise and not a cloud in the sky.  It simply goes on and on - up and up forever.  I never get a chill here - the sun warms my bones and in the evening the warm winds caress me.

The beach is a colourful place.  It's filled with Mexicans and their families - especially on the weekends.  During the week you see more of the Mexican mothers and their preschool children.  Their babies are absolutely stunning - round and chubby, dark skinned, black eyed delights that you long to pick up and cuddle.  I watch them playing contentedly in the sand - running and falling into the waves, laughing happily with their playmates.  Perhaps their material possessions fall far short of ours, but all that sun, sand, waves, laughter and love must count for a lot that we perhaps miss.  I'm really not sure we've got it 'right' at all!  I wonder if they know how lucky they are.

The peddlers roam the beaches dressed in white, under their heavy loads of cloths, carvings or a suitcase filled with silver.  This year the sales pitch seems to be 'cheaper than K Mart', and if we are still lingering on the beach enjoying a cocktail while the sun goes down - they pass by declaring "Happy hour Senora - two for one".  It's impossible for me to become annoyed or disconcerted with these beautiful people.  Dark eyes and quick bright smiles, and even quicker to make a joke with a gringo.

In the afternoon the children peddle sumptuous bowls of fresh fruit, cut and ready to enjoy.  Others appear with kabobs laden with chunks of cooked fish and shrimp.  Still others come with huge baskets full of peanuts.  You simply cannot to go hungry at the beach.

The ocean is captivating - never the same and somehow never different.  On a few occasions the waves have been quite spectacular since our arrival.  A and H delight in frolicing in them - the bigger the better.  My personal interpretation is they are pumeling themselves to death - but then my idea of the ocean at its very best for swimming is absolutely no rougher than 'dead calm'!  H has to absolutely drag me in - however now I am comfortable and I love floating in the blue pacific feeling my body at the mercy of the gentle ebb and flow of the waves.  It always takes me a little while to adjust to the power of the ocean - but once that is accomplished - I never want to get out!

We usually walk to the far end of the beach after breakfast - playing in the waves along the way.  At the end of the beach, smooth lovely huge rocks form an interesting coastline creating tidal pools filled with all sorts of interesting sea life.  We make ourselves comfortable on one of the rocks smoothed by years of thunderous waves - or lie in a sandy crevasse between the rocks, feeling the spray splashing from the crashing white surf - the water covering our bodies as the tide comes in.

Today, a Mexican woman was at the rocks - detaching muscles from the surface with a stone.  That will to be their dinner.

Today we lingered over an early diner at Los Arcos reveling in the sun set over the blue pacific.

The little street outside our balcony was interesting today as well.  The coconut man brought his huge exotic parrot out for a breath of fresh air.  He sat proudly on a limb squawking and occasionally flapping his wings in a feeble attempt to return to the freedom of the jungle.  He was very handsome indeed.  I want to hold him.

A little later, an old Mexican man appeared.  Dressed in a divine old mellow panama hat, brown shirt, brown pants, a burlap sack slung over this shoulder and bare feet in his Mexican made sandals he looked like a book character.   He totes fresh red snapper on either end of a long pole which he carries across his shoulders - not unlike a native would carry two gourds of water.  As he walks he beats rhythmically on the pole with a huge knife, announcing the arrival of the 'fish man'.  I wish so much I could have had a photo.  He would have made a magnificent painting.  His build was stocky and strong, not too tall.  His black eyes made contact with mine as I sat on the balcony.  Once you lock eyes with a Mexican you're hooked.  His eyes gripped mine, he tapped his poll with that intoxicating rhythm and without uttering word, he smilingly and sensuously invited me to come and buy a fish.

Today we moved from our room over the interesting but noisy street and have settled into our larger room with balcony over the pool and an ocean view.  I'm writing now from this location enjoying the piano music, laughter and chatter drifting up from the restaurant below.  Ah, H is here with an outstretched hand.  He gently takes mine -- it's time for cocktails!  It's been over eight years since we met, and it still makes me smile just to see his face!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

* Country Fair/Merry-go-rounds


The moors, the hills and dales, the rolling patchwork quilt of winding roads and twisty paths and stiles over fences that lead me to secret places of the past.  Where 17th century merry go rounds play their magic tunes. The music drifts from hill to hill and falls upon the ears  of those who cannot see the horses.  The proud steeds in their best bib and tucker - painted and shining in every details of antiquity.  The organ grinder - grinding out his happy tunes with his monkey on his shoulder. So far away from this time and place - a small crack into the past.  The huge steam tractors puffing and huffing along side handsome work horses - both with very different beauty and dignity.  The miniture steam tractors - so fascinating to small eyes used to electricity and toys with batteries.  The sheep dogs and the sheep -- the squires and barons.  All at an enchanting day at the English country fair.


The merry-go-round
up and down
Round and round,
the music
and my great steed
carry me to magic lands
far and away.
Camelot perhaps.
Gallant King Arthur
Sweeping me away to real places
with no reality.
Hold light the reign
My trusted friend clearly knows the way
and will stop where I
must dismount
and rest for awhile -
where life's purpose
awaits me in abundance ...
The merry-go-round
up and down
round and round ...
remember???




The merry merry-go-round
Stay on!!
Why would you ever
want off??
Always moving forward
to back where you
came from?
What could be better?!
Feeling Stuck?

Monday, November 30, 2009

* Palermo, Sicily, 1968


The old tower clock in the square was striking 6:00 am as I awoke.  Dawn crept through the wooden shutters allowing lines to form on the chair by my window.  I arose and dressed in the clothes I had laid out the night before.  A pair of long black stockings, a long black dress, a black shawl for my shoulders, a smaller black shawl for my head, and finally a pair of fine black leather shoes.

I picked up my black umbrella. Slipping quietly down the narrow stone stairs I stood in the doorway.  A gentle misty rain was falling.  The cobblestones, old plaster walls and balconies appeared magical in the wetness and early morning light.  I stepped into the street.

The heavy humid air filled my lungs as I took a deep, deliberate breath, hoping to inhale the oldness, the history, the energy left from centuries of existence.  As my feet touched the cobble stones I could feel the memories of this place.  A small shiver ran up my spine.

The city was coming to life as I strolled the narrow streets.  Brilliant colours of fruit and flowers appeared in market stalls in stark contrast to the beautiful muted backdrops of the streets and buildings.  Two small boys, eager to get a head start on life, darted in front of me pursuing their soccer ball.  Vendors were busy stocking their stalls to display the daily wares.

No one paid me any mind.  Visually, in my blackness, I had become ordinary.  I could now be the observer, instead of the observed.

The streets became narrower, and as the city around me awoke, it began to stretch and move.  I could hear the sounds of footsteps, lively chatter and laughter.  Nearby a church bell rang, and donkeys with baskets loaded on their backs climbed the hill ahead of me.  Above me, a women hung her washing out to dry on her ornate balcony.  Twittering song birds in their cages appeared as their owners hung them on the outside walls for the day.  The smell of fresh baked bread, Italian coffee, fresh fruit and goats cheese permiated the air.  A man peddled past me - his baskets loaded with ripe tomatoes.

As the day wore on, old men sat at tables in the street and gossiped over bread, cheese, olives and red wine.  Women, sitting in a row facing the wall, busied their hands with traditional needle work, and chatted about the local goings on.

I stopped still.  I closed my eyes.  I breathed deeply.  I became one with the essence of my surroundings and quietly imprinted the scene in my heart for future reference.

As I crested the hill, the mist began to lift and the sun peaked through.  My umbrella became my walking stick.  Before me lay the Tyrrhenian Sea -- the bluest blue I had ever seen.  My heart raced.  My step quickened.

The fishing boats had left for the day.  The bay was quiet.  As I neared the small beach, the rhythm of the waves tugged at my soul.  In my blackness I was invisible - the sea and I could have our privacy.  We would spend a wonderful day together.  I was home!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Windowsill Boys


The windowsills at 134 Park Road, London NW4 were always empty - void of any ornamentation, plants, or in fact curtains.  Why?  That would mean someone would be obliged to clean, water or wash!  We had no time for such trivialities - we were after all - women of the world!  Women living in one of the largest, most exciting cities on the planet.  At our beck'n'call lay an abundance of great theatre, great art, great food, and great parties.  Consequently, our windowsills remained empty.  We had our priorities right!

One afternoon, while humming a tune from the new musical Hair and baking 'bickies' in our tiny kitchen - the sound of muffled laughter drifted through the air.  At first I thought it was emanating from next door - but of course the 'lady with the broom' lived there, so that was impossible.  I listened more closely, and stuck my head around the corner into the lounge.  To my dismay, our usually empty sill was packed with small boys.  Heads filled the open window at all levels, while elbows, hands, knees or bottoms balanced them on the sill and kept the lot from tumbling into the house.

They became still as I approached.

"What are you doing?", I inquired.

"We smelled something lovely, Mrs." replied their spokesman.

"Did you now ... and by the way, it's Miss".

"Sorry, Miss", one of them piped up.

The rest is history.  Every once in awhile, when they 'smelled something lovely, Miss', our windowsill was full of small laughing boys, in their shorts and wellies, a little muddy from playing their own brand of soccer in the park.  We didn't have to clean, water or wash them.  All we had to do was enjoy them ... and share our 'bickies' of course.

The boys in this photo evoke the essence of my windowsill boys from so long ago.

It brought a smile to my face to remember them.                 (found in a 2001 journal)

* The Piper


While I lived in London - it was rumoured that when the Queen spent holidays at Balmoral - she was awakened every morning at 9:00 AM by a piper who stood beneath her window.

I can myself think of a no more magical way to be awakened.  Therefore - when I win the lottery, a piper is on my list!                                                                                    (found in a 2001 journal)

* A moment in time ...

She rode long past sunset, allowing her sure footed steed to find the way.  The blackness cloaked her in safety and from the back of her horse, she pondered life.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

* My Children Came Today ....

My children came to me today.  Well, not my children really.  I look at them as God's children loaned to me on a part time basis.  They are my "step children", my spiritual family.

How gorgeous they are.  Two little girls, six years, and eight years.  Already so much has happened to them on their journey.  They have come to me open - even though they are fragile and wounded.  I come to them with openness,  compassion, respect, fear and prayers that we will love each other.

So close are they.  So close and yet so far away.  The youngest child wears her heart on her sleeve - gregarious, every thought in her head pours forth without censor.  She cries, she laughs with the same gusto.  Gives life her all with nothing held back.  Loving, dramatic, a dreamer, a creator, smart, artistic and scattered.  It's all there, and she's only six.

The older child - more reserved, more guarded, very aware.  She's the mother.  She has taken on the responsibility to make sure, whatever that requires, the two of them are always OK, always .... no matter what!  She is already feeling the weight of the world at this tender age.  She's an old soul; wise, caring, loving and responsible beyond her years.

We sit together.  My arms around them.  I tell them I am there for them.  I want to be a close friend.  I will never attempt to take the place of their wonderful mom.  I hope that we can make a 'different kind of a family'.  I tell them it will be close, loving and fun.  We will always be able to talk, anytime, about anything.  I tell them talking is very very important.


They look at me with big wide beautiful blue eyes - questioning, wondering, and willing to give it their best shot.  I feel so blessed and privileged.  In my heart, I already know it's going to be OK.

* Residue from an old love ...

I'm going to be sick -  explode - implode - fly to bits - vomit - turn inside out - spill my guts. - dry heave - eject my innards - emit - expel - gag - heave - hurl - puke - regurgitate - retch - ruminate - spew - spit up - throw up!!!  Who knows!!! I FEEL SICK.  I want to run - to where - AWAY?  That's a laugh.  Where the hell is away - away is the same as here - I'LL still be there!  I'll still be exploding, imploding, flying to bits or vomiting.  It hurts tooooo much!!!!  I HATE IT!!!  The chemistry is still there.  What the flying fuck do I do with that????  Stuff it down???  Bury it????  Place it in the denial box???  Kill it???  Chop it to pieces and place it in the freezer????  OH BELIEVE ME ... I would if I could.  I simply don't know how!!!!!!!!!! 

The answer for future generations may be an 'affairs of the heart' organ. Over a life time this part of our body would absorb all the hurt, pain and heart break.  As the pain became to great to bear, and if all the therapy in the world was unsuccessful, a simple operation to remove the organ would be the answer to everything.  Oh that it were so easy!!! The way it is, we would have to have our heart removed.  Not viable!

* The Garden


The garden shared its secrets freely.  The flowers soothed her with their fragrance.  The trees gave her their strength.  Birds bestowed their music upon her.  Beautiful butterflys danced for her.  She sipped her tea.  The soft air caressed her skin.  She breathed deeply.  She was awed by the wonder of it all.  It was just what she needed.  Peace and quiet.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

* After the Storm

After the storm, only one egg remained.  When it hatched, her parents loved her so much she was never allowed to fly.  And so, she grew old and died alone in the nest her parents built to protect her.

* Hollow

December, 2005

empty
hollow
the hollowness of a melon
seeds ripped from her core
continuing to claw
to gut
until every seed is obliterated
into the flesh
until only skin remains
until she is a perfect hollow inside
perfect
hollow
empty
cave like
massive
expanding into
the nothingness
becoming one with the fog
the night
of the full moon

Growing
crawling
creeping
suddenly
expanding into the
allness
the collected consciousness
to again know lonely
but not be lonely
finding a way again
to seeds
seeds of like mind
who wish to grow
to become
to be
to know
exactly who they are
and to understand
the fullness of
light will come
the fullness
the allness
the everything
the perfection
the connectedness of a
loving God, Goddess, all that is!!

* oh woe is the soul

sometime 2005?

Oh woe is the soul
that knows not
where it goeth.
Whose love has
been abandoned
and left to decay
in the winter
of it’s years
and change
reaches  out
from dark
and dank corners.
Never to know
in the winter’s cold
if the warm fires of love and comfort
will again be
there
in ways which
are different
from days
of old.

I am here for
you my dear and
generous soul -
Alone you
are not.
Live your days
of winter
in comfort and
love.
I shall not
leave your side.
Give me your
hand that
you may feel a gentle touch
once again
before the
embers darken.

Monday, November 23, 2009

* carved of ice

It was a slow
excruciating death,
painful in every way,
emotionally
physically
spiritually.
Relentless pain
possessed  her
in the night,
creeping in from places unknown,
to devour
to destroy
to obliterate.
With the rising
of the sun
came hope,
acknowledging the emptiness,
but daring to feel
that perhaps -
maybe -
in the future ......
Yet, even as hope filled her,
the blood dripped
silently
painlessly -
a hemmorhage
deep inside
her heart
eating away little by little,
killing slowly and without mercy
until,
almost unnoticeably,
even though she fought every
step of the way,
wanting to hang on,
not wanting to give up -
she finally allowed it to depart -
slipping slowly away -
out of her grasp,
until death was a reality
and her love for him
lay in a
coffin carved of ice
shaped to fit her heart.
She buried it today.

* beautiful

Carefully, she chipped away
the ice,
making precise measurements
and checking for fit.
Slowly the burial box
emerged.
Beautiful,
sparkling,
safe.
The perfect shape
for its' contents.
She was especially precise
with the lid,
making the collar
smooth with a perfect seal.
When she finished
she admired
her work.
Yes, she thought
it was beautiful,
befitting the noble love
they had shared.
Smooth,
clear,
solid,
honest.
She carefully lifted
up the broken pieces
of her heart
and placed them
like a jig saw puzzle
to form the
shape of the original.
It had been 2 years
and still no healing.
Still the pain.
Happy Valentines Day.

* a heartbeat away ....

And suddenly, there he was - my emotional equivalent of the crash of '29.

* That all consuming kind of love

It was that all consuming kind of love.  The kind that sucks you in no matter how hard you fight to keep bits of yourself from falling off.  The kind that soaks you in other realms so beautiful you have no idea where you have been. But in the end - no matter what - it chews you up and spits you out, wrings every last ounce of strength from your earthly body and leaves you withering on some lonely street corner in some unknown part of the Universe.

Even if he doesn't leave you, even if you get through and work through all the nasty bits and all the incredible bits, you end up grieving, your heart shattered like crushed ice in bitters, as you leave him for heaven, or he leaves you for hell.

* Dear Mom and Dad

July 4, 1993
Fort Liard,
Northwest Territories, Canada

Dear Mom and Dad,

News from the north this week:

1.  Someone lost their false teeth outside the store.  They are now hanging on the bulletin board for all to see with a sign which reads:  "ARE THESE YOURS?"

2.  The Sears Catalogue for fall and winter has arrived.  Great excitement.

3.  A herd of 50 buffalo moved in up the hill.  They spend evenings on the runway at the airport.  We have to 'buzz' them in order to land.

4.  A buffalo named "Rambo" lives in Nahani Butte.  Every few weeks he comes into town and causes havoc - breaks windows, kills a couple of dogs, chases a few locals.  Some of the natives got together and decided to shoot Rambo.  The entire town had a buffalo feast.  A few weeks later, Rambo returned and caused more chaos.  So far, the community has enjoyed three buffalo feasts and they still haven't shot the right buffalo.

5.  We spoke with some French tourists who are spending five months going across Canada to Inuvik then down the coast of the Americas and up again.  Final destination:  Rio/Brazil.  Sounds like a good time to me!

6.  We spoke to some German tourists who had been traveling for three years in a huge, custom built Mercedes truck.  Fully loaded and equiped with everything you might need to surive.  Amazing.

7.  Another couple from Germany were driving up the Liard highway.  They hit a pot hole, flipped the car and ended up in the ditch.  The top of their car was flattened,  the front windshield complete toast.  They drove out of the ditch - stopped in Liard for gas, and are now headed to Ft. Simpson, an 800 km. journey.

8.  I still haven't caught a fish!

9.  The clothing party I had was a great success.  Sold $1,100.00 in clothing which awarded me $110.00 of free product and another 5 items at half price.

10. An intoxicated native was stabbed in a fight.  They took him to the nursing station.  The nurses took a look at him and sent him home.  He died the next day.  HUGE scandle!

11. Howard has begun a new project.  He is building a gas station down town.  Currently, our gas is 5 km away, and because of that, many tourists do not make it into town.  When this gas station is complete, the old one will be closed.  More tourists for us.

12. Howard is bringing a soft ice cream and flurry machine to the store.  The whole town is elated.

13. We flew into Ft. Nelson for the day last weekend.  I was so excited,  even the worst of merchandise was beginning to look good.  We enjoyed lunch and dinner out and got a huge grocery order.

14. Today, Judy and I drove to the border. We had a lot of fun digging wild flowers for our gardens, eating wild strawberries and sitting by the river.  I found a wonderful heart shaped rock.  Naturally, I brought it home with me.

15. I built a very cute bird feeder last week.  All materials were foraged from the forest.  Tree bark, stripped diamond willow, moss and some gorgeous dried fungus.  Had fun.

16. Had company for dinner friday night.  Today we are going with a bunch of people to the muskeg river for a picnic.

Well, I think that's about all the news from North of 60 this week.  We're enjoying our boat and for the most part the weather has been gorgeous here.  The bugs are awesome.  I have great respect for people who grow such wonderful gardens here.  Love, Donna

Sunday, November 22, 2009

* The Creative Spirit

December 8, 2008

There is a growth stage to creativity.  A nurturing stage when you must allow yourself to simply 'be'.  Allow your creative juices to bubble up from the depths of your soul.  A time of frustration, when it's possible to detach yourself from the frustration and allow the creative project and process to grow from within.

I feel so sad at the moment.  A deep deep sadness, not unlike great loss - an emptiness.  Is this what happens before the fullness of the actual creation process?  Emptiness - then fullness?  Like the growth of a child inside our bellies???  Then finally - Ah Ha moments! It all comes together and we give birth to something beautiful - something exciting that fills us with joy.  Something we want to share which may bring a smile or a reaction from others.  Is this what it's all about?  The hollowness -- the deep soul sadness? Then little by little, piece by piece, a gift, a blessing is bestowed on us?  A sigh of relief.  A sudden knowing we haven't lost it forever?  We have found it again and in fact it has always been there?  It was simply a logistics glitch.  We have been given the correct most explicit directions, as though we were looking at a GPS.  And finally, out it pops -- our creation, our gift to ourselves and others?

Please God, Goddess, All there is, please make it so.  I simply cannot bear the emptiness another moment.  Show me where to next place my foot upon this earth.  With gratitude, Donna

* Magnolia Blossom




                                            She comes alone
                                            out of still cold nights,
                                            no leaves to comfort
                                            or give warmth.
                                            Unfolding
                                            little by little
                                            each day
                                            more beautiful
                                            than the day before,
                                            trusting God
                                            for sun and rain
                                            to bring her to her glory.
                                            Needing only to share
                                            her beauty,
                                            to be the best
                                            she can be,
                                            to invoke a word,
                                            coax a smile,
                                            invite a
                                            touch in wonder;
                                            heralding the spring,
                                            new beginnings
                                            and beauty in God's garden.
                    
                                                                                     
                                                  

* Fragments of a Woman

I have been downsizing over these past few years.  Serious downsizing. First, my parents estate, then my 63 years of collected paraphernalia. I've organized huge garage sales, carted truckloads to auctions, given away, got rid of, let go, left behind, and down right abandoned.  It's been cathartic. I feel lighter.  I feel ready to take huge leaps forward.  I'm coming unstuck, unglued. (There are those who think I have always been a little 'unstuck' and 'unglued'.)  It feels good.

I have always written.  I have never kept track of or organized my writing.  During the process of downsizing two of my own houses and a huge storage locker, I have happened upon my writings, my ramblings about life.  Some of it is silly, some sad, some angry.  Much of it seems to be on the darker side, however, that's historically when I spill my feelings out in pen and ink.  It's somewhere to put the grief, the sadness, the anger.  It's concrete.  When I see it there, on a piece of paper, in my own handwriting, somehow I can let it go.  It no longer roams the recesses of my mind, nor does it stay in the pit of my stomach and my solar plexus.

What follows in these posts are my writings from found scraps of paper, journals, notes from day timers, poetry and rhymes from a period in my life when I was in contact with a spiritual guide, and automatic writing which began and never finished.  The pieces are in no particular order, no particular time in my life. Having never been concerned with dating much,  I can only guess when they may have been written.  I will post them as they 'fall out of the pile' so to speak.  I believe these posts are more to chronicle my writings for me.  It's somewhere to keep them, somewhere to put them out of the way, but visible.  I hope some of you will enjoy them and relate to them.  I hope some of them will help you heal.  Piece by piece the writings are snippets, pieces, morsels, tidbits, blips, and one liners.  All my writings together form a collection of who I am.  I like to think of them as "Fragments of a Woman".

I'm so pleased you are joining me on this journey.  Please leave me your comments. Should you wish to leave me your email address, I will be more than happy to contact you.  blessings, Donna