The fears which held me so tightly together inside,
The fear I would make someone angry,
The fear I could not please absolutely everyone,
The fear I wouldn't be perfect enough for my mother,
The fear my deportment might fail me and the book would tumble from my head,
The fear my conversational skills would leave me while at an important function,
The fear I was too fat to ever make anyone happy,
The fear I could not hold myself in this perfect package I was brought up to be,
The fear I couldn't be a peace keeper when the family was together,
The fear my Papa would say something to upset Connie,
The fear I couldn't ignore it, bandage it, talk over it, or make more tea,
The fear I would displease my parents and fall from grace,
The fear I would not make my husband happy,
The fear my step children wouldn't love me,
The fear I could not meet the expectation of contributing money to our marriage,
The fear I couldn't whip up fabulous family gatherings, social functions and wonderful holidays, with ease and grace.
These fears, which were wrapped up so tightly inside me
Never to be seen by another human on this planet
Were exactly the fears which caused me to come undone.
They all unraveled at once
They spread like molten lava
Uncontrolable.
They loosened my grip, fell from my arms
And slipped through my fingers.
With them went my world,
My husband, my lover, my best friend.
He didn't know who I was anymore.
And neither did I.
To Come Forth Gradually into Being
8 years ago
4 comments:
Donna, you have to unravel the fears before you can become the person you were meant to be.
Heartache, disappointment, lost loved ones are all part of the equation.
Now completely unraveled, you can knit a new you. The fears are gone, we love you as you are and the you yet to be.
Carolyn
So true, Carolyn and thank you for such acceptance. This happened to me 13 years ago, and only in the past few years am I beginning to really understand. Consequently, writing like this keeps popping out. Amazing, isn't it!
Holding on to pain, hurt, anger, and disappointment manifests itself in
our bodies. We all have issues. The shame is not in having baggage, it’s KEEPING it. As Dr. Phil says "you can't change what you don't acknowledge". Looks like you've been on the path of change and that is everything. Go Well!
Such a deeply heart-felt poem. You speak of the many demons which lurk about in our minds, until one day, one night, we must attack them so that we may live and those fears will die.
Excellent poem!
Cher
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