* Which rule is it?

Dear H,  So, what is your rule you are afraid of breaking?  What rule have you established for yourself about our relationship.  No contact?  I have never been able to figure out how you can just slam the door, lock it, and throw away the key.  Not only that ... you then walk away from the door ... or do you run away from the door, so you don't have to look at it anymore.

You, my darling, are an interesting study. 

What if you simply 'allowed' your feelings? What if you simply allowed them to 'be' what they are.   What if you just allowed them to bubble up?  What if you simply had a good look at them?  They are in all probability not scary at all.  We were so programmed by our parents, H.  They almost ruined my life.  In fact, in many ways they did ... or I allowed them to.  I simply was not 'aware' or 'awake' enough to do anything about it.  I am now, and I am very thankful for that. I am choosing to live my life in a very deliberate way.  Being awake and aware.  I know I can't ask you to be in the same place on the path.  I have changed so much in my thinking since 'you and I'.  I am so much broader now, so much wider as opposed to narrow minded. So much less judgmental. I no longer demand perfection of myself, and I have actually been able to move out of depression.  Perfection, which my parents expected of me, actually stopped me in my tracks.  It stopped me from doing any thing for fear I would fail, for fear I would not please, for fear it would not be 'absolutely perfect'.  You have some of that in you.  That was our problems with self esteem and lack of confidence.  Our parents never prepared us.  Never gave us the tools for life.   I see things from such a different place.  You and I are a gift, and always will be.  It doesn't matter if we are not together.  It's still a gift, it's still special, you are still my special person.  So what?  Does that make the world spin out of control?  Does that cause earth shattering catastrophes to occur?  No.  It's only complicated if we allow it to be complicated. As one of my spiritual teachers used to say:  Donna, you can either choose to make it hard, or you can choose to make it easy.  I am learning, slowly, to make my life easy.  I still want you to be part of it in whatever way possible.  An email .... yes that would be great.  A conversation sometime ... yes, that would be great.  As I said ... anyway I can get you, if for only a moment.  It's worth it to me.  It scares you silly.  Nothing to be afraid of, H.  I am not a threat to your life, unless you choose to make it so.  I know you enjoy my company.  I know you love being with me.  And I you.  Are you going to ignore that for the rest of your life.  One day, you will be on your death bed, and you will regret it.  That's when we can't do anything about it.  I think there would be nothing worse.  Think about it.  Perhaps you might think about putting aside your 'no contact' rule.  What is that rule really doing for you?  Do you think it's keeping you safe? 

Anyway, H.  That's all for tonight.  Hope you are well and happy.  San Miguel is lovely ... D xx

January 2010