* Fuck it!

Well, H, I am once again becoming very tired of not expressing my feelings ... of not saying anything in case I upset someone.  Fuck it!  Not expressing my feelings makes me sick, in fact it gave me ovarian cancer.  I refuse to ever go there again.  So, for better or for worse, here goes ....

Simply put, last time we were together, I fell in love with you all over again.  Oh, I'm not sure I have every really fallen out of love ... at some level it's always been there for me.  Actually the whole thing is annoying, because no matter what I do, no matter who I am with - you are always there - at some deep level, lurking around.  It will always be that way - I have given up attempting to banish this kind of love.  It's special - even if it is one sided. I'm not convinced it is one sided, if you were totally honest with yourself.  I also know you are not able to go to that place.  I have accepted my deep love for you as some sort of mysterious, maddening, completely insane gift.

Don't get me wrong - I totally know the facts, thank you.  I have absolutely no illusions.  You have your life and that's just as it should be.  Obviously, though, you still have feelings for me, there is still love buried deep.  If it was completely over you never would have showed up on my step four years ago.  As we have discussed, and we both agree, there will always be a bond, a spiritual connection, something we will both have always.  It's not going to go away, just because you stop thinking or talking about it, H.  I wonder what it would take for you to acknowledge it verbally.

You have always loved your 'earthly goods', H.  I totally realize how important they are to you.  You do have much to loose and I wouldn't expect you, being who you are, would ever consider doing that.  That's who you are and I understand that part of you.

I remember one time you told me ... "Doni, I will take you any way I can get you."  I suppose I feel somewhat the same way at this time in my life about you.  I will take you once a year or once in a life time ... I don't care, as long as I can see you for a minute, an hour, or 15 hours.  I need to see your face.  Just seeing your face makes me smile.  I need our conversation. I need your body. It fills me up.  It makes me complete.  It makes my heart sing.

I know at this time you are shut down as far as discussing this.  It would be wonderful if you could open up just a little and express how you are feeling about this entire relationship.  I realize it's complicated.  I realize you are afraid to say how you feel. I realize you have retreated.  I have no expectations.

I'm doing this for me.  I'm doing this so I don't explode, go mad, or something even more crazy. I need to say it.  I need to get it out of me.  I hope this will help me heal after I push the 'send' button.  I'm not really sure.  I know I can't keep it inside.  It's making me ache. It makes me nauseated.  You will remember emotions upheavals always hit me in the heart and the solar plexus.  This whole event, not expressed at regular intervals, as needed, gives me a heavy heart.  Take care of yourself.  Happy Happy Christmas, H.  Life is very very short.  Enjoy the moment.  Much love and many blessings, Doni xx   ..... here we go ..... pushing send .....

December, 2009

Perhaps you might want to ponder these thoughts.

DIABETES Physical block: Diabetes is a disturbance in the metabolism from lack of insulin secreted by the pancreas, or from its inability to function normally. 85 per cent of adults diagnosed with diabetes are overweight.

Emotional block: The pancreas is the gland linked with the solar plexus, which deals with emotions, desires and all intellectual activities. Pancreatic disorders indicate imbalance on the emotional level. If you are diabetic, you are often very emotional and have too many desires for yourself and others. You want everyone to have a slice of the pie. But you can also be envious if someone has more than you.

You are a devoted person but you expect much from yourself and others. You tend to blame yourself readily for others’ dissatisfaction. You also tend to expend excessive energy to respond to your needs. This behvaiour is caused by an inner sadness from an unmet desire to be loved.

Juvenile diabetes may manifest in children who feel insufficiently acknowledged. They are exhibiting an inner emptiness that seeks some form of compensation.

Mental block: Diabetes is a signal that you need to learn to let go and let things happen at their own pace. Stop trying to control the course of events. You need to realise that it is not your purpose to make everyone else happy. Others may not even want what you want for them, or they might not desire it intensely. Acknowledge all the goodness that flows freely in your life, become mindful of the moment and taste each moment in all its delicious glory. Don’t let yourself be distracted by what you may want tomorrow. Accept that, even though you may have been unable to fulfill a very important desire in the past, you still can enjoy smaller ones in the moment.