A Few Memories of Toller

It took me a long time. Every time we met, I would lose my nerve. One day, however, we bumped into each other at the nursery and had a long chat.  He had already turned to walk away when it happened …. “Toller, I’d love you to see my work.”  Toller kept walking …. “Come for breakfast tomorrow, bring two pieces.”  Stunned, I managed to sputter “What time?”.  Nine o’clock came the answer as he moved further away. 

I arrived the next day dressed to the nines with two pieces of art under my arm.  As I walked into the dining area, I heard “Now that’s the way an artist should dress!”.  It was Toller.  I smiled.  I was the only one at breakfast that morning.  He looked at my work. He bought both pieces and invited me to paint with him for seven days.  I jumped at the chance, my heart pounding, my demeanor cool and calm, although I thought I would surely faint.

At the end of seven days, I prepared to leave.  At breakfast that morning, I brought flowers for the staff who had fed and cared for me as well as roses for Toller.  “What’s all this about? … Toller looked straight at me.  “My seven days is up!  I won’t be here tomorrow and I’m so grateful for all you have done.”  He pulled my chair towards his and looked me straight in the eye.  “Now see here”, he began.  You are staying for three reasons.  1. You know what you are doing.  2.  I don’t have to teach you. and 3. You don’t bug me.”  He became my patron, and owned four of my paintings. 

That’s how it began.  A relationship of two very short years for which I am very grateful.  We painted together in his studio almost every day, sometimes chatting, sometimes quite, each of us in our own world, and always, always listening to beautiful music.

Toller was the best friend I had in San Miguel.  I’m sure many people feel the same way.  He had the magical knack of giving a person exactly what they needed and in return had a gift for extracting what he required from them.  It was a mutual admiration society.

Breakfasts were a daily ritual before we went to the studio.  I never knew who I might meet or be sitting beside, a poet, a skater, a diplomat, an ex ambassador, an art historian, a fine musician, a world traveller, or just an ordinary person who loved and adored Tollers art.
   
Toller was my dearest friend, mentor, confidant, my inspiration, my encouragement, my oak tree. We had a strong spiritual connection which I shall miss terribly. He was very physic as am I.  He felt my abilities were underdeveloped and told me “You are a little demi-witch who needs more practice!”  I roared with laughter. 

A few days before Toller passed away, I once again sat at his breakfast table, enjoying the company and the ambiance of my surroundings.   We had been working on a painting together.  It was sort of a joke between us.  That morning he announced he had finished the painting, had it framed and it was my Christmas present.  He left the room to retrieve it.  As he presented it to me, my instructions were to sign it as well.  “This is not your painting, nor is it mine - it’s a hybrid.  It’s ours.”  I have a treasure and so many memories. 

Never to be forgotten, larger than life, he knew exactly who he was and lived every minute to the fullest. He loved life. He adored the new 'blue green' pallet he was working with - he wanted to try something new - something where he didn't use his beloved 'red'. He loved a challenge. The new series is incredible.

One of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life is say goodbye to Toller. We had a strong spiritual bond. I miss that terribly.  We shall see each other again one day, Toller -- have your paint brush ready! In the meantime, I will be hearing your voice as I paint. I will be listening to the music we listened to  in the studio. I will see you walking into the studio with paint on your pants and arms, carrying a 'little something' for me from the Tuesday market. I will always see you showing off your new purchases for me - twirling like a model while I laughed and told you (in my best British accent) how amazing you looked.  I was assured of laughter from you, which thrilled me.  Every time I shop is Dolores I shall remember our trips and wonder if the economy is crumbling without your frequent trips.

I could go on and on.  I won’t.  Every life he touched has their very own Toller.  Each and every one of us were blessed to have known him.  I don’t think many people actually know how much Toller gave back to the world with absolutely no fan fare.  Just gave and moved on.  A more generous man I have not met in a very long time.

And so you left.  No fan fare.  No goodbyes.  No fuss.  Just quickly and quietly left this world like you might have left a party.  I turned around and you were gone.  I shall miss you forever and a day.