* Finished

I thought I had finished the house.  After some contemplation about the state of my being, the house, in fact has finished me.  Nice turn of events, would you not agree?

I'm left, running hot,  like a vein of molten lava -  smoldering, bitter at what I had to go through to get here and still angry as hell.  I have been taken for so many rides since I moved,  I feel like I live at the fairgrounds.  All the rides are tempting, they call to me, they smile at me, they beckon me.  They look safe.  They look like fun. At the end, when they lurch to a halt and throw me off my seat I find myself reeling through unsympathetic crowds of onlookers as I seek a place to vomit.  Vomiting gives temporary relief, but leaves a feeling of emptiness with a lingering taste of bitterness I am not quite sure will abate of its own accord any time soon.

Today, I wandered aimlessly, not knowing how to use the minimal amount of energy I had left in my body.  I did a scan. Were the pieces all there?  No, of course not!  How could I find each and every piece after such an eruption. They had been blown far and wide.  It would take time to heal and grow the parts back slowly.  I considered accepting that.

I observed mindfully, taking in every detail of the finished work.   Detail and exquisite finishing were their forte I had been assured.  But the details, so important to me, have been ignored and defaced.  Paint, the wrong colour glaring at me from a patched piece of plaster, cracks ignored and left unattended after installing the now unstable railings.  All signs of a hurried getaway ... an I don't care getaway ... a let's just get out of here getaway.

It has left me grieving.  It has left behind a heartless uncaring energy lingering within my sacred walls.  It has left me shattered.

The anger which has raged in me for the past months is  a new phenomenon.  I've had glimpses of it before, but it has never come out in full force to stay, to be my constant companion for such a long period of time.   It comes from a place deep within, a place I did not know contained such power.   It comes from a deep inner wisdom, a place which knew I must love myself enough to stand up and fight, to stand up and be a bitch, to stand up and cause such hell my home would be completed.  The rage is lingering.  It's sticky and dirty.  It is not something which will dissipate quickly.  It has left me reeling and exhausted.  It has left me feeling empty and numb, desperately seeking some small thread which will lead me back to balance ... sacred balance.

From my place of higher knowing, I acknowledge the extreme joy I experienced planning, designing and building the first phase of this project.  It was honest.  It was true.  I grasp the thin air to bring back the memories through the dark halls of anger.  It has been the six month over run which has done me in.  It has been taking care of the accounts to make sure they are in order.  It has been taking care of the lists to be done to make sure they are tended to.  No one else cared enough in the end to do that.  It was the constant nagging and emailing, daily if not more than daily.  It's been the negotiating.  It's been taking the higher road of understanding because there was another side to this story which I completely sympathized with.  And finally, in the end, it's been the broken promises, the empty words, the complete abandonment of this project.  The rage finally rose within ... it overtook me.  I slept with it, I ate with it, every waking moment it was part of my body, mind and spirit.  It was new.  I didn't know what to do with it, except embrace it.

And so the house is finished.  It's complete.  The job is done.  It is over.  After fourteen months, six of which were hell, the job has been accomplished.  I too am finished.  I have been devoured by my own anger.  I'm not sure where to step next.  I know I need quiet.  My energy has been sucked dry.  I allowed it ... however ... I'm not sure I had an alternative method of getting the job done.  I don't want to be quiet.  I don't want to feel this horrible lack of energy.  How long will it take.  Has this been another year in my life which has forever changed me, for better and for worse.  LIFE .... the journey.  I'm definitely on it.