* Will I, Will I, Will I

Will I ever know deep deep down
inside it's really over?  Will
I ever stop waiting ot the
phone to ring?  Will the
hurt ever go away?  Will I ever
stop believing we are Taylor and Burton?
Will I ever be able to stop the pain?

* The Truth About Presents (A little tongue in cheek, but mostly the truth)

Some people have trouble accepting them.  Some people say things like, "Oh you shouldn't have.", "I can't accept that.",  "Now what am I going to do for you.", "Oh no!  Is this for little old me?  Oh, no,  ... please."  Some people are embarrassed and say things like, "Where's yours?", "What about you?", "But ... I didn't get you anything."  Some people get downright rude saying things like, "No, you keep it, I don't deserve this ... I couldn't possibly accept it."

Well, I say to you, "What a bunch of poppycock!"  I say to you, "Bring it on.",  "Where's mine?", "Did you only bring the one?", and/or "Thank you so much.  Don't forget it's my birthday in two weeks."

I say, "Yeah! You brought me a present."  "I'm excited.",  "I cant wait to open it.",  "How good is this - such a great surprise!", "Please, do it more often."

I say, "You make my heart sing!", "Thanks for thinking of me, I'm worth it."  It makes me want to stand up and shout --- "Somebody thought about ME today!  I got a present!  I am blessed .. look at this, it's wrapped!."

It  makes me feel important, loved, wanted, cared for, and remembered.

SO .. for all the naysayers, for all the insecure, no self esteem, afraid, tortured, misinformed human beings who got the message when they were children, "I don't deserve presents." ... I say --- send it over here.  I'll take it off your hands.  "I adore presents -- do you have more than one you don't want.  Perhaps you have a sister who doesn't like presents either."

Presents are to be enjoyed.  They are to be fondled.  They are to be looked at, picked up and played with, touched over and over before they get old.  Presents have the ability to make you smile, laugh, or sometimes even cry a happy cry.  First, you have to accept the darn thing and say thank you from the bottom of your heart.  Feel it, put it out there, say it, show it -- BE HAPPY for goodness sake.  Never accept a gift with a worried look on your face.  You may never receive another.

That's the real truth about presents.  They are true gifts from the heart, they are given and born of love, they are little blessings in formal attire, they are beautiful thoughts in a box.  SO, if, after reading this, you are still having issues --- hey -- I'm over here!  See me?  I love presents.  And, that's the truth!

* Learning about Sestina ...

I've been learning about Sestinas.  Today I wrote my first one.  It surprised me.  Below the sestina is an explanation of how they are structured, in case, like me, you may not have heard of them before.

The words I chose at random were: 

Home
Man
Woman
Ocean
Clouds
Waves

Untitled

June 18th had come again to her home
She didn't want to remember the man
She wished she would not remember the woman
Perhaps a walk by the ocean
Where she could see the clouds
And hear the waves.

She imagined the sound of pounding waves
As she left her home.
Rain fell heavily from the clouds
In her heart she carried the man
Down to the ocean
Where she could free him to be with the woman.

She wanted to weep, but the woman
could be heard in the pounding waves.
She cried as she walked farther from her home
and closer to the ocean
The rain poured from the clouds
and she heard the heartbreak of the man.

She tried to walk away, but the man
Became the voice of the woman.
The rain became her tears from the clouds.
Her heart the pounding of the waves
She tried to run home
She was engulfed by the ocean.

You cannot stay with me, said the ocean
And you must walk away from the man
to allow him to be with his woman
Don't go home
Drown in the clouds
Become the waves

Her tears became the waves
Eaten by the ocean
She tried to find her man
The earth became the clouds
The man took the hand of the woman
She couldn't find her home.

She walked into the waves of the ocean
Her heart carried her man into the clouds
No longer could she carry the woman
She walked home.
                                

A sestina is based on sixes.  It has six unrhymed stanzas of six lines each in which the words at the ends of the first stanza’s lines recur in a rolling pattern at the ends of all the other lines.  The sestina then concludes with a tercet (a three line stanza) that uses all six end-words, two to a line.  The diagram that follows will probably help you to see what I’m talking about.  (And thanks to the Handbook of Poetic Forms for giving me this diagram and explanation)

In the diagram, the letters A-F stand for the six end-words of the sestina,

Stanza 1:  A
                B
                C
                D
                E
                F

Stanza 2:   F
                  A
                  E
                  B
                  D
                  C

Stanza 3:    C
                   F
                   D
                   A
                   B
                   E

Stanza 4:    E
                   C
                   B
                   F
                   A
                   D

Stanza 5:    D
                   E
                   A
                   C
                   F
                   B

Stanza 6:     B
                    D
                    F
                    E
                    C
                    A

Tercet:     AB
                CD
                 EF


The way you write a sestina, is to first choose six words that will be your end words.  Then, label them A, B, C, etc.  Then, you follow the pattern of the stanzas, and let your poem unfold.   After you write your first stanza, you might want to write down all the end-words, in correct rotation, over on the right hand side of the page.

My own experience in writing sestinas is that a story often develops, in unexpected ways.  And, if f I choose end-words that have some physical substance  (like tree, or table)  and are in some ways connected (to me) to something I  want to write about that I know is challenging for me, the sestina allows me to uncover truths I wouldn’t have gotten to in any other way.

* The Pansy and The Kiss

Found in an old journal.  Dated November 29, 2001

In my youth
I gave them away -
never looking
never feeling
never thinking.
An abundant
commodity
in my gardens
and on my lips.
A fleeting moment
gone
to be forgotten
in the annals
of time.

Now in my 'wiser years'
I nurture my
wondrous pansies.
I feed them,
water them,
and impose
long conversations upon them.
I give them away
with great aplom
seeing them for the beauties they are
knowing them like friends
to dear to part with.

My kisses
on the other hand
are still freely given
They are dispensed with feeling,
thought about
over and over,
and are
held dear in
my heart.
A small fleeting treasure of
love
to help fill
my emptiness.

* Untitled

The deep anger I experienced in order to get this house finished lingers.  It travels through my soul on dangerous mountainous roads full of hair pin turns and sharp shoulders finding other long buried pockets of anger which bubble and boil from depths and layers of history.  They surprise and shock me with their strength and determination to be looked at and dealt with.  It has left me open, raw and bleeding.  Not knowing what to expect next let alone how to deal with it.

I understand the grace in this.  It's a clearing house of the old anger and hurt, buried so deep in the past, only the strength of my current anger was able to dislodge it.  This too shall pass and dear Universe I pray I do not have to endure much longer.  It has robbed me of my joy, for there is no room for happiness.

As the anger is processed and emptied the joy will return ten fold for there will be space to fill.  Be with it, feel it, cry it and scream it and kick and vomit it.  Do what is necessary to cleanse.  This is the healing.  The magical healing of emptying old wounds and letting them soar into the wild blue yonder of eternity.  Surrender, accept and allow.

* Growing Pains

They disappear like dust in the San Miguel wind, scattering themselves so thin upon the surface of the earth I can no longer distinguish the difference between them.

As I grow, move forward, become stronger, continue to speak my truth, and set healthy boundaries, they leave  in droves, tripping over the egos they have been given to outgrow and taking everything oh so personally.

There is nothing I can do.  There is nothing I want to do.  Oh, I want to scream, my gut aches, there is a huge lump in my throat and I can feel anger as strong as the devil himself.  Tears stream from my eyes and obscenities pour from my lips as I attempt to clear my earthly body.  All in all, I simply have to be with it until we become friends and I once again begin to understand the depth of my journey here on earth.

* Finished

I thought I had finished the house.  After some contemplation about the state of my being, the house, in fact has finished me.  Nice turn of events, would you not agree?

I'm left, running hot,  like a vein of molten lava -  smoldering, bitter at what I had to go through to get here and still angry as hell.  I have been taken for so many rides since I moved,  I feel like I live at the fairgrounds.  All the rides are tempting, they call to me, they smile at me, they beckon me.  They look safe.  They look like fun. At the end, when they lurch to a halt and throw me off my seat I find myself reeling through unsympathetic crowds of onlookers as I seek a place to vomit.  Vomiting gives temporary relief, but leaves a feeling of emptiness with a lingering taste of bitterness I am not quite sure will abate of its own accord any time soon.

Today, I wandered aimlessly, not knowing how to use the minimal amount of energy I had left in my body.  I did a scan. Were the pieces all there?  No, of course not!  How could I find each and every piece after such an eruption. They had been blown far and wide.  It would take time to heal and grow the parts back slowly.  I considered accepting that.

I observed mindfully, taking in every detail of the finished work.   Detail and exquisite finishing were their forte I had been assured.  But the details, so important to me, have been ignored and defaced.  Paint, the wrong colour glaring at me from a patched piece of plaster, cracks ignored and left unattended after installing the now unstable railings.  All signs of a hurried getaway ... an I don't care getaway ... a let's just get out of here getaway.

It has left me grieving.  It has left behind a heartless uncaring energy lingering within my sacred walls.  It has left me shattered.

The anger which has raged in me for the past months is  a new phenomenon.  I've had glimpses of it before, but it has never come out in full force to stay, to be my constant companion for such a long period of time.   It comes from a place deep within, a place I did not know contained such power.   It comes from a deep inner wisdom, a place which knew I must love myself enough to stand up and fight, to stand up and be a bitch, to stand up and cause such hell my home would be completed.  The rage is lingering.  It's sticky and dirty.  It is not something which will dissipate quickly.  It has left me reeling and exhausted.  It has left me feeling empty and numb, desperately seeking some small thread which will lead me back to balance ... sacred balance.

From my place of higher knowing, I acknowledge the extreme joy I experienced planning, designing and building the first phase of this project.  It was honest.  It was true.  I grasp the thin air to bring back the memories through the dark halls of anger.  It has been the six month over run which has done me in.  It has been taking care of the accounts to make sure they are in order.  It has been taking care of the lists to be done to make sure they are tended to.  No one else cared enough in the end to do that.  It was the constant nagging and emailing, daily if not more than daily.  It's been the negotiating.  It's been taking the higher road of understanding because there was another side to this story which I completely sympathized with.  And finally, in the end, it's been the broken promises, the empty words, the complete abandonment of this project.  The rage finally rose within ... it overtook me.  I slept with it, I ate with it, every waking moment it was part of my body, mind and spirit.  It was new.  I didn't know what to do with it, except embrace it.

And so the house is finished.  It's complete.  The job is done.  It is over.  After fourteen months, six of which were hell, the job has been accomplished.  I too am finished.  I have been devoured by my own anger.  I'm not sure where to step next.  I know I need quiet.  My energy has been sucked dry.  I allowed it ... however ... I'm not sure I had an alternative method of getting the job done.  I don't want to be quiet.  I don't want to feel this horrible lack of energy.  How long will it take.  Has this been another year in my life which has forever changed me, for better and for worse.  LIFE .... the journey.  I'm definitely on it.

* Waiting for Caitlin

February 3, 2011
Restaurant at the Instituto, San Miguel de Allende, Mexico

I wonder what will become of me?
I wonder if I will be able to stay?
I wonder if all this pain is just a flair?
I wonder if it will heal?
I wonder if I will have to go?
I wonder if I will be an artist here ...
A 'real' artist who hangs things in galleries.
An artist who profits from her product.
According to a friend of mine, that's
who 'real artists' are.
Do I agree?
No, I do not agree.
I believe a 'real' artist is one who
creates art.
It makes no difference what
happens to it.
It is still 'real' and the artist who
created it is still 'real'.
It's all about the creating ... that's all
it's about.
Do I really believe that?
I don't really know if I do or not.
I wonder if it will all become clear?
I wonder when Caitlin will arrive?
I wonder what we will do?
I wonder if my legs will hold me up?
I wonder if walking will be painful?
I wonder if I can hide my pain?
I wonder if I'll be able to fake it?
I wonder about so much.

* The smell of leather

Suddenly I found myself back in the thieves market in Italy being jostled by the crowds, feeling uncomfortable, my hand clinging to my father's arm while he examined the beautifully crafted leather belts.

Britain.  The leather coat factory.  My father handing me coats, one after the other.  "Do you like this one?"  "Wow, you do something for that coat."

A market in Spain.  My father's hands picking up classic leather bags and suitcases, enjoying the grain and the quality.

Mexico.  My father choosing a hand made leather belt for every male member of the family.

Today, in an old colonial town in Mexico, I wandered alone in yet another market.  The rich pungent fragrance of leather hung thick in the air.  It took me to other split seconds of reality.

I remembered.  My Papa appreciated leather.

* December 2, 2010, San Miguel de Allenda, Mexico

It's 9:40 am.  I've completed my banking transactions and am sitting comfortably in my favorite restaurant on the jardin.  It's still chilly out.  Locals are bundled in shawls with scarves over their mouths.  I wear a sleeveless tank with linen blouse and find the air refreshing.  The sun is bright and inside the restaurant it's warm and full of quiet chatter.  The town is still snoozing.  Stores are not open, street vendors have not made their appearance and the jardin is to cold and uninviting for visitors to linger on it's benches.  From my seat I observe centro's stretching and awakening.  Second floor balconies are being swept and streets dusted off to prepare for the bustle of later.

Maria cleans my house as I enjoy breakfast.  She is an attractive woman in her 50's, black hair, sparkling eyes and a quick smile.  I tend to think she does not work for the need of money.  Perhaps for other more interesting reasons.  Her outward appearance is one of confidence, she carries herself beautifully and dresses well.  Her car is silver grey, new and shining.

The shoe shine men carry their chairs into the jardin.  Perhaps an early customer will reveal themselves if they are present and ready.

It's December 2nd.  A surprise to me most of the time.  The year has faded into a vague blur and as I sit here in review of my adventures it's a little daunting.  It seems to me, at least at this moment, a year of extremes when I have felt very happy and at peace and suddenly, WHAM!  A huge sorpressa hits me from behind.

I'm creating my little dream casita from scratch.  Such a wonderful exciting esperience.  I'm studying art with an accomplished teacher.  This was one of my goals.  I've been embraced by the community and never lack for things to do or placed to go.  San Miguel itself exudes culture of all kinds.  It's difficult to know which pool to dip ones toe into next.  It's 'easy' to be here.  People are helpful.  Service still exists and is very much alive and well.  Still a deep part of the culture.

My lack of the Spanish language is beginning to frustrate me.  Next year I must begin to learn.

The sun shines through my street side window and it's beginning to feel to hot.  I'm longing to feel the Mexican sun directly on my skin.  It's still too cool to ask for the window to be opened.  The locals in the restaurant would be cold.   Magnificent star shaped white and silver wedding pinatas walk by on a pole.

So, I have found some peace and happiness this year in my new home.  As I reflect back, the number of large blows I have taken this year surprises me.  I find myself still standing.  During construction, my house was broken into and robbed.  I've been physically locked out of my home when the previous owner protested his non payment by the real estate agent.  I've been conned and lost a substantial amount of money.  A very dear friend disappeared from my life.  Most recently I have been informed I require a knee replacement.  Discontinuing a heavy prescription drug has thrown me into a temporary state of ill health.  Last but not least, my architect has run out of money and work on this project has slowed to a crawl.  I'm frustrated.  I still feel strong, grounded and in pretty good balance.  I feel more 'me' than I ever have in this lifetime.  More important, I have grown.  I am celebrating my own company and enjoying being with me.  I am loving flying solo.  I enjoy doing things, almost anything, with me.  Sitting here in this restaurant feels ever so wonderful.  Best yet?  I know there is more.  I am absolutely aware at some deep level, the best is yet to be.