Dear Divine Mother,
As I sit at my writing table overlooking your beautiful oak and pine trees I realize everything has a time. The trees are perfect just the way they are, waiting in the cold, soaking up the winter rains preparing for the sun and dryer times of summer. What about me Divine Mother?? What now?? I feel so LOST and ALONE. I don't seem to be making much headway! Oh, I know I don't write to you when I'm feeling balanced, however in those times I am so grateful and I do thank You verbally.
In my times of 'lostness' I look within and find the cupboard bare, the castle of my soul empty, my diviness far and away - who knows where. Sometimes I think I cannot carry on like this alone. I also know that this 'aloneness' is a life lesson for me. Everyone has gone - you have completely cleared the decks. You began when I was young - taking My Wayne and My Granny. My friends are scattered here, there and everywhere (my choice of lifestyle). Then Mama and Papa - how I miss them. Then to top it all off, my family -- oh deep deep down I knew C and B never 'wanted' me - or 'loved' me. I was sort of a nuisance to be tolerated. A spoiled child (in their opinion) to be indulged. I came with the farm - and if they wanted the farm - I was part of "the darker side".
After Wayne died I tried really really hard to get B to love me. I missed Wayne so much. All I wanted was some hugs and some snuggles. B couldn't bear it and really the memories I have of him are those of "yelling at me". I was terrified one stormy night and I thought if I could pester him enough when the windows were shaking and rattling in the wind - he would allow me to crawl into his bed where I would feel safe. All I heard were his stern very loud warnings of "stay on your own side of the bed"... which terrified me. He slept naked. He was afraid of a four year old. Then his own children were born, all six of them - and oh how I loved each and every one. Now they are gone. The dearest and closest relatives I have ever known. They loved me in return - just because I was me .. no strings attached. They are no longer a part of my life. Even my "Dearest Little Sweetheart" is gone. I'd give anything for M to walk through the door with that wonderful grin on his face ... even if he did arrive at dinner time. It was always my pleasure to cook for him.
My soul longs to see them again. I hope I will in this lifetime. Sometimes however, I do understand there is a 'window of time' for things. There comes a certain time when you simple can't go back - the window of opportunity is closed. Perhaps this is what has happened here. Acceptance, acceptance. Please, Divine Mother, allow me to accept with grace. Take my pain ... here it is yours! I can no longer bare it.
I seem to be loosing LB because of my spiritual quest - the search for my soul and my authenticity. We're just not able to relate. And then, there is my best friend, the one I have loved more than anyone on the entire planet - H. I know that he too is gone because I needed to grow - but OH DIVINE MOTHER - how I miss his light! Let me make it clear - I don't miss his shadow side - his lying, cheating and lack of integrity side which seemed to show itself at the end of our marriage The side he can't face and thus blames everyone else ... but oh My Dearest Divine Mother - how I pine for our deep, warm conversations, our love, our laughter, his touch, and physical love we shared. Simply to see his face made me happy and lit up my heart. Funny, how you can meet one person in this lifetime and they can have such an everlasting affect. I am forever changed by him - for better and for worse. Yes, I do understand it is meant to be. There are no accidents. You have taught me well. Now, teach me to accept and surrender!
So now I am moving to Victoria - like a small child put out on the street at night - no direction - no plans, no money, and some days, no hope.
I pray I will find you, God, Goddess, All That Is. I pray I will find you within me - my own divine self - for I do UNDERSTAND we are ALL ONE.
I beg you for guidance - I pray you will show me the way upon this planet. The purpose for my being.
I leave this house, thankful for its blessings of healing and peace. I know I am moving forward with you as part of me - my tour guide to creating a new, rich, fulfilling life.
And so, Almighty Creator - I give you with great humbleness, my weaknesses and my strengths - I pray you will heal me and allow me to accept healing. I am on the path, Mother ... show me who I am, help me recognize and honour my own creative voice. I need to know my purpose on this beautiful earth. I simply cannot be here for no reason.
No comments:
Post a Comment