* I prayed last night ...

I prayed last night - on my knees kind of praying - hands clasped tightly toward the heavens.  I sobbed and shuddered and choked and prayed.  I prayed for grace - for the grace of the Divine Mother to be with me.  For the Divine to grant me grace to get through this night.  I prayed for forgiveness, for healing.  I prayed for help to let go of this and move on quickly.  My body finally wept itself into exhaustion and I crumpled, huddled on the floor - knowing help was at hand.  I had felt some of the heavyness lift.  I had prayed for everyone in the universe to assist me in what ever way possible.  The angles, the Archangles, my guardian angles, my guides, any entities who could assist me for my higher good, my higher consciousness - those who could help make my connection with the divine stronger.  I prayed for help to be aware of my own divineness, my own strength.  I prayed to realize every part of me is part of the divine.  I prayed to love myself again - to fall in love with my own unique self.  I pray for this again today - and so it is - it is done.



You returned my call last night.  I bravely told you my decision - not a whispering lump in my throat, but with a strong and steady voice.  "I can't do this."  I heard my own voice ring into the telephone.  "It's simply not in my best interests.  In some way I know it will impede my growth - and I don't want to make a step backward.  What both of us are experiencing are 'blips of bliss' - small portions of time which are perfect in every way.  We see only the best of the best in each other and none of the everyday happenings of life - none of the mundane, the ordinary, or the flaws of our shadows.  We are in fact fulfilling each others dreams for a suspended isolated moment in time -- as I said, a pure, exquisite 'blip of bliss'.  I miss our friendship terribly, I miss our incredible ability to talk at a depth I have never had with anyone else.  I miss that part of us which in some mysterious way understands every part of the other and none of the other.  I don't want to lose that - to lose contact with you completely - helplessly watching each other spin away - lost to oblivion.  On the other hand, I believe that's the way it has to be.  I'm the only one I have to look out for me - and in this case I have to be there for myself.

You were shut down.  Each time I paused, your response was "OK".

I began again.  "I respect you for being able to talk about our breakup - even if it is 10 years later.  We have agreed it has been healing for both of us.  You responded, "Yes, maybe we've done what we've had to do and maybe it's time to move on."

"Thank you for allowing me to have closure, H.  You were the love of my life and I wish you all the blessings in the world."  .... a pause .... "You too, Doni."  Your voice was wavy and soft.  "Good bye darling", I said and hung up the phone.  The clang was loud and it echoed in me like the closing of a door in an ancient empty cathedral.  I feel raw, stunned ... like the huge door has shaken my soul.


Today I sit in the warm sun in my courtyard.  The water softly falling from my fountain is soothing and the healing tones from the wind chimes lull and calm my soul.  I sit and polish silver - mindfully and mindlessly.  Old family silver with old family history.  I rub and polish the tarnish away. Slowly, easily, the beauty of the silver emerging as I go.  It suddenly dawns on me I am polishing and healing parts of myself.  Parts of me are emerging and beginning to shine again.  I feel blessed.



Dearest H,
One day, years from now, when I peer into the mirror and an old old woman looks into my eyes - will I regret cutting short our 'blips of bliss'.  Will I regret not living in the now -  enjoying the moment - the best of each other.  Will I regret those lost soulful conversations, those deep conversations I don't seem to find with anyone else. Will there be huge holes in my soul which could have been filled with your company, if only now and then?  Will I regret not laying with you again?  Perhaps I will never be with a man again.  Do I want to be with anyone other than you?  Why would I?  Do I want to be alone?  I have a lump in my throat! ... yet again ...