May 28, 1998

Journal entry:

I did so long to grow old with you H.  To feel that 'comfortable' kind of love people feel after so many years together.  To simply appreciate and find complete contentment in each others companionship and friendship - having seen every line on your face develop - observing every new gray hair and yet not noticing you had a gray hair or wrinkles at all.  Knowing how your hand felt in mine for 40 years - knowing every part of your body by touch.  All the nooks and crannies.  All the special places that no one elses hands ever wandered to.  Knowing that even if my eyesight went completely, I could see every bit of you in my minds eye - just from all the wonderful years together I would always remember how beautiful your body was.

Playing with our grandchildren.  Seeing a brand new world through a pair of brand new eyes.  Part of you in those little eyes.  Traveling and playing together in Mexico and perhaps in new places we might discover together.  Your interests, my interests.  Together and apart.   We used to talk about "Sittin and a rockin' and a rockin' and a sittin'"  Just 'being' each and every day ... together ... for the better and for the worse.  Isn't that how it was supposed to be???

I had Maggie put down today H.  She's been very ill and I could not allow her to suffer another day.   Maggie's been a wonderful friend to me and I miss her little footsteps around the house tonight.  She was your Christmas gift to me, although I know she was really your dog.   So much has changed in my life this past year it's difficult to imagine, let alone accept.  I still feel stunned and raw.

I hope you are happy tonight.