November 2, 1997

Journal entry:

Dear H,

You treated me so well, so lovingly, do kindly and with great respect.  Always there to hear what I had to say - always interested.  Funny - you are the one who opened me up - from the bathroom door to the smallest thought on my mind - you opened every petal, every leaf, every secret nook and cranny I had ever hidden a thought in.  I thank you for that.  Remember when you used to sit and talk to me while I was on the toilet or in the bath?  You left toothpaste on my brush and put my deodorant on while your arms were around me. You brought me morning coffee in bed, and we would lie there sipping and chatting, and reading, and making love.  You kissed me and called me 'my special person' and 'my sweetie'.  Never a day went by without an 'I love you' and there was usually more than one.  For 18 years I fell asleep in your arms at night.  Funny, now you're the one who has shut down and shut me out.  You can't tell me you have fallen out of love with me and quietly walk away.  You want to feel misery and pain - well - you go ahead - feel all the misery, pain and torment you you need to - it's your choice.  Just leave me out of it.  I want to remember the good not the bad and the ugly.  Please feel free to go.  Please explain before you go, and then you are free to leave quietly.  Is it too much to ask, after all those years?  Is it too much to ask for one last talk, one last discussion, one last explanation.  Do you not owe me that much?  I want to thank you for all your love.  I understand you shared parts of yourself with me you have never shared with anyone else.  I understand how special what we shared was.  Don't make me hate you at this time in our lives ... please.